goodbye.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
field of dreams.
its a month in to 2010. so far this year, i got a tattoo. my hair is brown again. i'm going to bible college. i bought a little notebook to start writing songs. i'm going to learn to play more than 6 chords on the guitar.
yesterday i watched sufjan steven's film The BQE (you can get it on netflix, too). its not so much a film as a collection of moving images of the area surrounding the brooklyn-queens expressway. there are no words, no plot. the soundtrack is incredible. i thought it was beautiful, and for me, having spent extended periods of time in the city, it really moved me, to the point that i almost started crying. i love, love, LOVE new york. something about it left an impression on my heart almost 8 years ago, and it really hasn't let go.
today i've been thinking about what i love. and why i'm doing things i hate instead. why i settle instead of pursuring my passions. over the past three years, ive become a little bit dead inside, because i've just settled for whats in front of me. i've become gripped by fear of what other people think about me. and that, aside from making me a very confused young lady, HINDERS THE GOSPEL. too often, i rationalize away the passions in my heart, because i don't believe they can be done. i'm afraid to dream.
i'm praying that i would stop settling, for the sake of Jesus, and not my own.
yesterday i watched sufjan steven's film The BQE (you can get it on netflix, too). its not so much a film as a collection of moving images of the area surrounding the brooklyn-queens expressway. there are no words, no plot. the soundtrack is incredible. i thought it was beautiful, and for me, having spent extended periods of time in the city, it really moved me, to the point that i almost started crying. i love, love, LOVE new york. something about it left an impression on my heart almost 8 years ago, and it really hasn't let go.
today i've been thinking about what i love. and why i'm doing things i hate instead. why i settle instead of pursuring my passions. over the past three years, ive become a little bit dead inside, because i've just settled for whats in front of me. i've become gripped by fear of what other people think about me. and that, aside from making me a very confused young lady, HINDERS THE GOSPEL. too often, i rationalize away the passions in my heart, because i don't believe they can be done. i'm afraid to dream.
i'm praying that i would stop settling, for the sake of Jesus, and not my own.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Bible College, Week 1.
Wow. I've been in Bible College for ONE week, and already my butt is being kicked (in the best possible way).
First class was Tuesday morning, and it was a Theology class. This class will cover the topics of Christology, Salvation, and Man/Evil/Sin. One of our assignments each week is to reflect on what we've learned about the gospel that week, and how have we struggled to live that out in our lives. I had something that I've been chewing on, but at the end of class, my professor asked us to share some things we might write about. This guy raised his hand and said "the hope found in the fact that Jesus sustains all things." When I heard that, I almost started weeping in class. We took some time to just be quiet and think about that truth, and it was AWESOME, and eye-opening, to see how I don't really believe that He truly does sustain all things. I've been thinking about that ALL week.
Next, Old Testament Survey, part 2. I know, I never took part 1. But anyway, we went over Job. It was AWESOME. We talked about how Job does not answer WHY suffering happens, but points to the response of the righteous man: know the greatness of God. So beautiful.
Bible Study Methods was Thursday. This class is very foundational, so I have to say I'm least excited about it. I've also audited it, so I am semi-familiar with the content. But I look foward to really learning how to study scripture, and to see how much I don't know.
Last, Old Testament Backgrounds. This class is going to KILL ME, but I am STOKED. We don't really have any papers, but a lot of creative projects. We have to read a TON of history books, make artifacts, eat meals with people from the middle-east...so cool. But my favorite part of this class is that we have to pray every day, for at least ten minutes, and then write a little summary each week about what the Lord has taught us through our times of prayer. I've been doing that for 3 days now, and I have really seen through my prayers how I really am struggling with the truth I learned in Theology (it all comes full circle!)
I am so grateful that the Lord has brought me to this place. Every day is a new lesson in trusting Him, and I am so excited to see what He will do during my time at EBC. I think everyone should come join me :)
First class was Tuesday morning, and it was a Theology class. This class will cover the topics of Christology, Salvation, and Man/Evil/Sin. One of our assignments each week is to reflect on what we've learned about the gospel that week, and how have we struggled to live that out in our lives. I had something that I've been chewing on, but at the end of class, my professor asked us to share some things we might write about. This guy raised his hand and said "the hope found in the fact that Jesus sustains all things." When I heard that, I almost started weeping in class. We took some time to just be quiet and think about that truth, and it was AWESOME, and eye-opening, to see how I don't really believe that He truly does sustain all things. I've been thinking about that ALL week.
Next, Old Testament Survey, part 2. I know, I never took part 1. But anyway, we went over Job. It was AWESOME. We talked about how Job does not answer WHY suffering happens, but points to the response of the righteous man: know the greatness of God. So beautiful.
Bible Study Methods was Thursday. This class is very foundational, so I have to say I'm least excited about it. I've also audited it, so I am semi-familiar with the content. But I look foward to really learning how to study scripture, and to see how much I don't know.
Last, Old Testament Backgrounds. This class is going to KILL ME, but I am STOKED. We don't really have any papers, but a lot of creative projects. We have to read a TON of history books, make artifacts, eat meals with people from the middle-east...so cool. But my favorite part of this class is that we have to pray every day, for at least ten minutes, and then write a little summary each week about what the Lord has taught us through our times of prayer. I've been doing that for 3 days now, and I have really seen through my prayers how I really am struggling with the truth I learned in Theology (it all comes full circle!)
I am so grateful that the Lord has brought me to this place. Every day is a new lesson in trusting Him, and I am so excited to see what He will do during my time at EBC. I think everyone should come join me :)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
nashville highlights.
-getting a tattoo. a dove on the inside of my left arm. i love it.
-playing ping pong/shuffle board while drinking beer.
-fantastic mr. fox. such a good movie.
-ringing in 2010 with charlotte friends (is that an epic poem? i think so.)
-eating fancy mexican popsicles.
-KARAOKE. it was so ridiculous. i can't even begin to describe it.
-picked out my dream boots, they were about $4 billion. or, $357.
all those things were great, but the highlight was just being able to hang out with my BFF for 7 days.
see you tomorrow, los angeles.
-playing ping pong/shuffle board while drinking beer.
-fantastic mr. fox. such a good movie.
-ringing in 2010 with charlotte friends (is that an epic poem? i think so.)
-eating fancy mexican popsicles.
-KARAOKE. it was so ridiculous. i can't even begin to describe it.
-picked out my dream boots, they were about $4 billion. or, $357.
all those things were great, but the highlight was just being able to hang out with my BFF for 7 days.
see you tomorrow, los angeles.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
something i wrote in september 2006...
i wrote this over three years ago...weird...
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the Lord is doing things in my heart...challenging me to TRULY live for Him in America, where all the messages say live only for yourself. And perhaps you have read this before, but this is my heart. I first read it a couple years ago, and again this past year, but right now it is resonating with me very clearly. I want to be a voice in my generation, that GOD may be glorified, that who He is may truly be made known. I feel like I'm going to explode if i write anymore, so...please just read.
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the Lord is doing things in my heart...challenging me to TRULY live for Him in America, where all the messages say live only for yourself. And perhaps you have read this before, but this is my heart. I first read it a couple years ago, and again this past year, but right now it is resonating with me very clearly. I want to be a voice in my generation, that GOD may be glorified, that who He is may truly be made known. I feel like I'm going to explode if i write anymore, so...please just read.
"The Vision" by Pete Grieg
So this guy comes up to me and says, "What's the vision? What's the big idea?"
I open up my mouth and the words come out like this...
The vision?
The vision is Jesus:
obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is of an army of young people.
You see bones?
I see an army.
And they are free from materialism—
They laugh at nine-to-five little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.
They are mobile like the wind.
They belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting, dirty and dying.
What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimal integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, from every conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps—their Satan games.
This is an army that would lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day, its soldiers choose to lose that they might one day win the great "well done" of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don't need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground, the whisper of history in the making, foundations shaking, revolutionaries dreaming once again.
Mystery is scheming in whispers, conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground.
And the army is disciple(in)ed—
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners.
Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulfuric tears and great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting.
Watching.
24-7-365.
Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules,
Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide,
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs,
Laughing at labels,
Fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late-night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive on the inside.
On the outside?
They hardly care!
They wear clothes like costumes: to communicate and celebrate, but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their lives, swap seats with the man on death row, guilty as hell: a throne of an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as though it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses Jesus.
He breathes out.
They breathe in.
Their subconscious sings.
They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping malls.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdoes!
Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes!
They walk tall and trees applaud.
Skyscrapers bow.
Mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the Hound of Heaven and evoke the dream of Eden.
And, this vision will be.
It will come to pass.
It will come easily.
It will come soon.
How do I know?
Because, this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is His today.
My distant hope is His 3-D.
And, my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking, great "AMEN!" from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ himself.
And He is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
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Isaiah 58:11-12
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
two things i was told this weekend.
1. "Do you have a boyfriend?" + "It's about time you had some grandkids for me to play with." - my grandmother
well, at least i wasn't asked if i was a lesbian this time. this is probably the most difficult thing to hear. i'm the only one out of all my cousins who isn't in a serious relationship/married/divorced(some on their second marriage, and the oldest one is in her early 30s). in fact, all of my cousins, except the one that is 15, have children. its awkward. my family is Christian in heritage. but to explain to them why i'm not married is tricky. yes, grandma, there are men in California. thats not the problem. its hard for me not to feel like i'm letting my family down by not producing grandchildren. when i said that to my sister, she said "something is wrong with you." that brought me back to reality. she's not even a believer, but she spoke some serious truth to me.
2. "You are the epitome of Christianity to me."
super humbling. my uncle said this to me kind of in jest as they were begging people to do the dishes. but he also actually meant it. he really desires to follow the Lord; i know this from our many conversations. for him to say this to me...it just was kind of crazy. i'm such a poor reflection, but...i am a reflection, even if its a dirty one.
Other notable things:
-my british grandmother calling my uncle a "bloody yank."
-my uncle suggesting i take moonshine with a little orange juice to get rid of my cough.
And with that, its time for Nashville. Can't wait to see my old friends!
well, at least i wasn't asked if i was a lesbian this time. this is probably the most difficult thing to hear. i'm the only one out of all my cousins who isn't in a serious relationship/married/divorced(some on their second marriage, and the oldest one is in her early 30s). in fact, all of my cousins, except the one that is 15, have children. its awkward. my family is Christian in heritage. but to explain to them why i'm not married is tricky. yes, grandma, there are men in California. thats not the problem. its hard for me not to feel like i'm letting my family down by not producing grandchildren. when i said that to my sister, she said "something is wrong with you." that brought me back to reality. she's not even a believer, but she spoke some serious truth to me.
2. "You are the epitome of Christianity to me."
super humbling. my uncle said this to me kind of in jest as they were begging people to do the dishes. but he also actually meant it. he really desires to follow the Lord; i know this from our many conversations. for him to say this to me...it just was kind of crazy. i'm such a poor reflection, but...i am a reflection, even if its a dirty one.
Other notable things:
-my british grandmother calling my uncle a "bloody yank."
-my uncle suggesting i take moonshine with a little orange juice to get rid of my cough.
And with that, its time for Nashville. Can't wait to see my old friends!
Monday, December 21, 2009
christmas is a magical time.
hello.
right now i'm sitting in my dad's living room in north carolina. he has so many electronic toys. not having a tv or cable for 3 years makes it difficult to figure out how to turn a tv on now. there are 5 remotes and they have an LCD screen to tell you how to use them. wayyyy to complicated. anyway.
so, last tuesday, i was in california. at 4 AM, me and three friends left to go to colorado. it was such a great trip. i saw the sunrise over the mountains as we neared nevada. we stoped and melina gambled a dollar in primm. utah is gorgeous, serene, peaceful (and maybe a little creepy). we ate lunch at a diner called "little wonders cafe" which had great coffee and also a mormon cookbook (what it entailed, i'm not sure). we arrived in colorado just before 10 PM (much to Josh's chagrin.)
the reason we went is for a wedding. i normally have mixed feelings about weddings. sometimes its really awkward if you only know the bride and none of your friends are there. sometimes its awesome when you only kind of know the bride/groom but they throw an awesome reception with a sit-down dinner. this wedding, though, was in neither of those categories. it was my two very good friends, jacob and sarah. i love them SO much. this wedding was my favorite is because it was all about the gospel. it wasn't about sarah and how beautiful she looked (although of course she did!). it wasn't about the dancing or the cake cutting (neither of those occured, but the cake balls were awesome. seriously make some they are GOOD). it was about two people joining together to reflect Christ and His love for the church. Instead of Sarah walking all the way down the aisle to meet Jacob, he met her halfway, as a picture of Christ coming for His bride. it was such a beautiful, incredible picture. I am so excited to see what God does in their lives, and how He uses them to further the gospel.
in addition to the wedding, we got to hang out in denver. I. LOVE. DENVER. i had so much fun hanging out in the city, going to fancy craft stores, going to interesting bars, and just enjoying new people. i heard some good music, and definitley felt a bit cold. but it was so fun. i also took a gondola ride in breckinridge, and saw real life snow bunnies. how do you go skiing and have perfect hair and glossy lips? it was kind of bizarre. but the mountain was beautiful. the city was beautiful. i loved hanging out with my good friends, and i just love the entire lewis family.
so i flew back to North Carolina late last night, and I'll be here until the 28th. I'm excited because i get to spend time with my dad, something i didn't really get to do last time i was here. then manda will pick me up. i am sooooo looking forward to that. oh boy. we will be together for a week! then i go back to LA Jan 4th. And then I start school. oh man. this will be a crazy time, for sure.
so, as you can see, my life has been crazy. in 3 weeks, i will have spent time in 7 different states. whoa. but its so cool. i haven't been able to spend this much time with friends in other states since i was in college. its a blessing to be able to do all these things.
nothing profound. just my life right now. ok, bye.
right now i'm sitting in my dad's living room in north carolina. he has so many electronic toys. not having a tv or cable for 3 years makes it difficult to figure out how to turn a tv on now. there are 5 remotes and they have an LCD screen to tell you how to use them. wayyyy to complicated. anyway.
so, last tuesday, i was in california. at 4 AM, me and three friends left to go to colorado. it was such a great trip. i saw the sunrise over the mountains as we neared nevada. we stoped and melina gambled a dollar in primm. utah is gorgeous, serene, peaceful (and maybe a little creepy). we ate lunch at a diner called "little wonders cafe" which had great coffee and also a mormon cookbook (what it entailed, i'm not sure). we arrived in colorado just before 10 PM (much to Josh's chagrin.)
the reason we went is for a wedding. i normally have mixed feelings about weddings. sometimes its really awkward if you only know the bride and none of your friends are there. sometimes its awesome when you only kind of know the bride/groom but they throw an awesome reception with a sit-down dinner. this wedding, though, was in neither of those categories. it was my two very good friends, jacob and sarah. i love them SO much. this wedding was my favorite is because it was all about the gospel. it wasn't about sarah and how beautiful she looked (although of course she did!). it wasn't about the dancing or the cake cutting (neither of those occured, but the cake balls were awesome. seriously make some they are GOOD). it was about two people joining together to reflect Christ and His love for the church. Instead of Sarah walking all the way down the aisle to meet Jacob, he met her halfway, as a picture of Christ coming for His bride. it was such a beautiful, incredible picture. I am so excited to see what God does in their lives, and how He uses them to further the gospel.
in addition to the wedding, we got to hang out in denver. I. LOVE. DENVER. i had so much fun hanging out in the city, going to fancy craft stores, going to interesting bars, and just enjoying new people. i heard some good music, and definitley felt a bit cold. but it was so fun. i also took a gondola ride in breckinridge, and saw real life snow bunnies. how do you go skiing and have perfect hair and glossy lips? it was kind of bizarre. but the mountain was beautiful. the city was beautiful. i loved hanging out with my good friends, and i just love the entire lewis family.
so i flew back to North Carolina late last night, and I'll be here until the 28th. I'm excited because i get to spend time with my dad, something i didn't really get to do last time i was here. then manda will pick me up. i am sooooo looking forward to that. oh boy. we will be together for a week! then i go back to LA Jan 4th. And then I start school. oh man. this will be a crazy time, for sure.
so, as you can see, my life has been crazy. in 3 weeks, i will have spent time in 7 different states. whoa. but its so cool. i haven't been able to spend this much time with friends in other states since i was in college. its a blessing to be able to do all these things.
nothing profound. just my life right now. ok, bye.
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