what a TREAT!

Wow.  I had no idea how awesome it can be to work from home.  No heels, no skirts, no smelly air conditioner (seriously, the air conditioner at work smells like FEET! Ew.)  And I'm listening to crazzaayyy music.  And i'm sitting on my bed.  So awesome.

Not awesome: the reason i'm working from home.  I'm plagued with various ailments these days.  I'm going to the dr. tomorrow, because having to leave work early or take a sick day is NOT ok, especially because there is pressure to get things done (and rightly so).  luckily, because i am a mobilizer, and therefore my job requires mobility, i am able to work at home.  So, while its not ideal (to someone...definently ideal to me ha), it is better than not being able to do work at all.

Also, as I write this most of the people that read this are watching Lost b/c its 8 PM.  Dang, am I jealous.

Finally, this week has been amazing.  God is good.  I got a raise, and therefore was able to join a gym.  I've wanted to join one since I got here, and He provided me with the means to do so.  My prayer has been to be faithful with the little things.  And  slowly my heart is changing.  I love when my desires become more like God's.  I don't feel like I've wasted my time like normal.  I've actually spent time reading, praying, working out....its been so good.

also, i love you all.

goodbye.

riddle me this, batman

why are cupcakes so delicious, yet so difficult to eat?

mystery, motivation, and self-dicipline.

so, i really like lists.  at work, i usually make a list every morning before i start my day.  if i don't, i generally feel overwhelmed by my workload and then start way to many projects with no time to finish any of them.  so tonight i made a list of things i need to do. it is as follows:

-clean room

-work out

-practice guitar

-read

so, i started on task one.  my motivation was moderately high.  then i blew a fuse.  then i realized the fuse box was locked and i had no key.  this gave me an opportunity to talk to my neighbor who i've been wanting to reach out to for a while, and gave me a chance to make plans for coffee with her.  i think it was the Lord that blew the fuse.  i had called her earlier, left a message, but wasn't going to walk accross the hall to see if she got it.  but the fuse situation forced me to. so now we are having coffee.  and thats good.

but what about my plans?  those were all good things!  granted, its only 6:30, ample time for me to accomplish those things.  but now i've lost my motivation.

i'm not one of those people that is self-motivated.  its kind of frustrating.  like, i'll work out if i'm going with someone.  its like my biggest grievance against myself, that i seem to lack  self-dicipline in certain areas.  its a big deal to me that i've managed to floss my teeth and wash my face almost every night for the past month.  thats something we SHOULD do (some of you are like so grossed out b/c i didn't already do that. haha).  i just wish i was motivated to work out, or eat healthy, or...keep my room clean, or...whatever.

 i guess the resolution is  i just need to stop typing and go do what i need to do.

its time.

its time to sing a song with eyes fixed on our King

its time to overcome the lies and beat the enemy

its time to raise a voice and live the love of Jesus.

its time to be so bright in this world.

my friend Gil from Charlotte wrote this song.  and the bridge is particulary moving to me.  the song was put on a CD that came out over a year ago, and for the most part I forgot about it.  and then it came on my iPod this morning.  

thats my prayer.  i want to sing with my eyes fixed on jesus.  i want to beat down the enemy and live in freedom.  i want to LIVE THE LOVE OF JESUS (wow).  i want to be a bright light in the darkness.

Maddening.

OK, so, let me first state for the record that I hate arguments. I don't think on my feet, and it takes me a while to make a point that is well thought-out/argued. I don't like to debate, even if it's "friendly".

Last night, some friends and I went to a little cafe after class. Sometimes we have kind of intense discussions, and last night was the case. I wish I could say that I left that conversation encouraged to pursue God more, that I was able to glimpse a new part of His character, that I came to a greater revelation of God's love for me, that I felt convicted and/or encouraged. But that was not the case.

Here's the problem. We are a bunch of people. With ideas. Normal. But the problem is that we think our ideas are "right", or that the ideas of others are "right". I grew tired quickly of talking about things that should be backed up with scripture but mostly were backed up with our thoughts or someone elses. We were talking about things, which is fine, but there were so many points that were just based on someone else's "feelings" or thoughts about a certain issue. Thats why I hate arguements. Because I don't feel I know God's word well enough to argue something into the ground. And so I don't...b/c I don't want to mislead anyone with my own ideas and thoughts about someone so Holy, Sovreign, Other-Than as God.
But here's what I walked away with. And these are my thoughts. I don't have scripture for this. If someone has scripture to change this point of view, please let me know:
-My relationship with God is not about sinning or not sinning. Its about LOVE. His love for me and my love for Him. Anything I do or don't do is based on His love for me, not a list of do's and don'ts. I don't believe that I will ever be sinless, not even for one day, until I meet Him in heaven. I have thoughts that are not about God...I get a fleeting moment of jealousy. That's sin. So, I press in to God, every day giving my heart, letting His love and the Holy Spirit carry me. For so long I've beat myself up for what I do/don't do, but its not about that for me anymore.
-This came out of a conversation about the fact that the organization I work for has an ad in revelant magazine. And it was said "The end's don't justify the means". How is that biblical? Where does it say that? What I find Paul saying is this:

19Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. (1 Corinthians 3:19-23)

So you know what? I am ok with an ad being in Relevant magazine. I may not agree with it, but no where in scripture does it say "The end's don't justify the means." Paul got down on the level of the people he was trying to minister to. He was not Jewish by religion. Yet he ministered to them where they were. He was not weak, yet he became weak. There are growing levels of Christian maturity. I read relevant magazine at one point, and it did help me grow in my faith. I'm tired of arguing about this point...I ran it into the ground in Charlotte. I'm tired of sitting around judging other Christians.

Go love someone.

i saw a rainbow this moring.

i was driving home from simi this morning, and saw this little piece of a rainbow.  it was almost like a circle rainbow. i couldn't see a whole lot...just this little part.  

it made me smile and I began to think of the Lord's convenants and promises.  How sweet they are!  Yesterday, through some various circumstances, some insecurities were brought up that I know I have but don't often think about, until they come into full view.  And when i saw that rainbow this morning, I was reminded of what a beautiful God, what a sweet Father, what an intimate friend I have, all because He loves me.  So good!  My prayer is that I would know the love of God in a deeper way every morning that I wake up.  Its so much greater than I can comprehend; and its just not a characteristic of God, its who He is.  There's gotta be so much I don't, and probably won't ever, understand about His love for me, but I don't want to waste my days believing false things about myself and my God.

mmmmmm :)

i'm ready.

tonight was incredible.  i haven't had this reaction to a message in a long time.  basically, pastor francis (as i affectionately call him. haha) was talking about how the grace of god should lead us to good works.  got it.  and i was sitting there thinking...and i just had a sudden realization of how comfortable i've become.  my year in charlott was SO uncomfortable...oh my GOSH. it was the hardest year of my life.  harder than china.  so i come here, and life is amazing.  amazing church, amazing friend, amazing job, going deeper with the lord.  so good!  

and yet...what am i doing here?  i KNOW i'm not meant to stay here (meaning here as in america).  and after showing a video of this girl who went to afghanistan and was arrested, i was just like...god i don't want to be here!  its so good, yet...my heart yearns to make His name famous in the nations.  i've been trying to convince myself that america is my mission field (and believe me people here need jesus. BOY.), but deep in my heart i know that i'm called to go.  and i think just realizing that right now i would be making last minute preparations to got to vietnam for a LONG time...it just broke my heart.

and i cried.  because i want to be overseas.  b/c i was repenting of being content with my comfortable life.  its like...my heart longs to be sharing the gospel, hope, with people in Asia, and yet part of me is so happy to buy dishes and all this...STUFF.  and then i think about the vision i had last easter, of all these asians bowing down in worship to the god of the UNIVERSE!  thats what i want to be a part of, not what the color scheme of my room is.

yet, He is still the god of my PRESENT.  and i am here, for now.  and he has something in store.  please don't misunderstand what i'm saying.  i'm so blessed, god is SO good, and i am SO thankful to be here, and just feel showered with His blessings.  but he is stirring something up in my heart.  i can't keep supressing this desire i have to GO.

god, make me uncomfortable.  i'm ready. here i am.  send me.  

lip service. and a bandaid.

for the past week, there has been this old band-aid sitting in the hallway of my apartment building. its so gross. and i get grossed out everytime i look at it. but its not mine, so i don't want to pick it up. so it sits there. what does this say about me? ha.

on a more serious note, i realized this morning that i often give god lip service. on facebook (where real life happens), my religious views say "love like jesus loves". i fully stand behind that statement. thats what i find in scripture - love god, love others. but in reality, i love the way i want to. my love for others is so conditional (and i guess it always will be). but i'm tired of saying things and then being content with other people doing them. this is something i've observed in myself for a long time...and still never did anything about it. i was reading some of the core writings of an organization called INNERchange, and I found myself agreeing with statements yet unwilling to make changes. booo.
i also realized that when someone asks me to pray for them, if i feel like its their own fault i don't want to, and...usually don't.
hows that for transparency? ha.
but you know, these are all good things to realize. i don't want to waste my life and my time loving people that make me feel better, or only praying for others when i feel like they deserve prayer. how prideful! i am NOT god. shocking, i know. while seeing sin is at first maddening, i love when God shows me how much I need Him. I am a mess. it goes back to what my good buddy Francis was talking about on Sunday. I cannot make myself righteous. Thats God's job.

Welp, see ya later.

fix your eyes.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

this is my prayer. it has been, but it still is. i was reminded of how powerful this verse is. i mean, granted, all scripture has power b/c its all God-breathed. but when i have truly tried to even grasp fixing my eyes on Jesus, the world looked different. its funny, there was a time not too long ago where I wanted to want Christ. But now...I truly want Him. I want Jesus.

And then life gets in the way. People, circumstances...they distract me. Those things are not sinful. People are a blessing; things that happen in life can be a blessing. Its what I DO with them that becomes sin. When I choose those things over spending time with my Creator, when I focus on my circumstances instead of His character...therein lies the problem. The solution?

Fixing my gaze upon my savior.

Mmmm. Thats so good. I just love how God is so faithful, how He speaks so clearly in His word. I am blessed, despite whatever is going on in my life, because God is His infinte mercy has so graciously bestowed His love, and rescued me from despair, darkness, and life w/o Him. And not only me, but all His children. Simply amazing.

Also, and please hold me to this, I don't want to use the word awesome or amazing anymore unless I'm talking about God. Words have lost their meaning. Awesome suggests something that inspires awe in me. I only want God to inspire true awe in me. I can have a deep appreciation for other things, but...awe? Just something that blows my mind? That should only be reserved for God.

happy 2008.

this is going to be a good year.

i can feel it.