goodbye.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
field of dreams.
its a month in to 2010. so far this year, i got a tattoo. my hair is brown again. i'm going to bible college. i bought a little notebook to start writing songs. i'm going to learn to play more than 6 chords on the guitar.
yesterday i watched sufjan steven's film The BQE (you can get it on netflix, too). its not so much a film as a collection of moving images of the area surrounding the brooklyn-queens expressway. there are no words, no plot. the soundtrack is incredible. i thought it was beautiful, and for me, having spent extended periods of time in the city, it really moved me, to the point that i almost started crying. i love, love, LOVE new york. something about it left an impression on my heart almost 8 years ago, and it really hasn't let go.
today i've been thinking about what i love. and why i'm doing things i hate instead. why i settle instead of pursuring my passions. over the past three years, ive become a little bit dead inside, because i've just settled for whats in front of me. i've become gripped by fear of what other people think about me. and that, aside from making me a very confused young lady, HINDERS THE GOSPEL. too often, i rationalize away the passions in my heart, because i don't believe they can be done. i'm afraid to dream.
i'm praying that i would stop settling, for the sake of Jesus, and not my own.
yesterday i watched sufjan steven's film The BQE (you can get it on netflix, too). its not so much a film as a collection of moving images of the area surrounding the brooklyn-queens expressway. there are no words, no plot. the soundtrack is incredible. i thought it was beautiful, and for me, having spent extended periods of time in the city, it really moved me, to the point that i almost started crying. i love, love, LOVE new york. something about it left an impression on my heart almost 8 years ago, and it really hasn't let go.
today i've been thinking about what i love. and why i'm doing things i hate instead. why i settle instead of pursuring my passions. over the past three years, ive become a little bit dead inside, because i've just settled for whats in front of me. i've become gripped by fear of what other people think about me. and that, aside from making me a very confused young lady, HINDERS THE GOSPEL. too often, i rationalize away the passions in my heart, because i don't believe they can be done. i'm afraid to dream.
i'm praying that i would stop settling, for the sake of Jesus, and not my own.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Bible College, Week 1.
Wow. I've been in Bible College for ONE week, and already my butt is being kicked (in the best possible way).
First class was Tuesday morning, and it was a Theology class. This class will cover the topics of Christology, Salvation, and Man/Evil/Sin. One of our assignments each week is to reflect on what we've learned about the gospel that week, and how have we struggled to live that out in our lives. I had something that I've been chewing on, but at the end of class, my professor asked us to share some things we might write about. This guy raised his hand and said "the hope found in the fact that Jesus sustains all things." When I heard that, I almost started weeping in class. We took some time to just be quiet and think about that truth, and it was AWESOME, and eye-opening, to see how I don't really believe that He truly does sustain all things. I've been thinking about that ALL week.
Next, Old Testament Survey, part 2. I know, I never took part 1. But anyway, we went over Job. It was AWESOME. We talked about how Job does not answer WHY suffering happens, but points to the response of the righteous man: know the greatness of God. So beautiful.
Bible Study Methods was Thursday. This class is very foundational, so I have to say I'm least excited about it. I've also audited it, so I am semi-familiar with the content. But I look foward to really learning how to study scripture, and to see how much I don't know.
Last, Old Testament Backgrounds. This class is going to KILL ME, but I am STOKED. We don't really have any papers, but a lot of creative projects. We have to read a TON of history books, make artifacts, eat meals with people from the middle-east...so cool. But my favorite part of this class is that we have to pray every day, for at least ten minutes, and then write a little summary each week about what the Lord has taught us through our times of prayer. I've been doing that for 3 days now, and I have really seen through my prayers how I really am struggling with the truth I learned in Theology (it all comes full circle!)
I am so grateful that the Lord has brought me to this place. Every day is a new lesson in trusting Him, and I am so excited to see what He will do during my time at EBC. I think everyone should come join me :)
First class was Tuesday morning, and it was a Theology class. This class will cover the topics of Christology, Salvation, and Man/Evil/Sin. One of our assignments each week is to reflect on what we've learned about the gospel that week, and how have we struggled to live that out in our lives. I had something that I've been chewing on, but at the end of class, my professor asked us to share some things we might write about. This guy raised his hand and said "the hope found in the fact that Jesus sustains all things." When I heard that, I almost started weeping in class. We took some time to just be quiet and think about that truth, and it was AWESOME, and eye-opening, to see how I don't really believe that He truly does sustain all things. I've been thinking about that ALL week.
Next, Old Testament Survey, part 2. I know, I never took part 1. But anyway, we went over Job. It was AWESOME. We talked about how Job does not answer WHY suffering happens, but points to the response of the righteous man: know the greatness of God. So beautiful.
Bible Study Methods was Thursday. This class is very foundational, so I have to say I'm least excited about it. I've also audited it, so I am semi-familiar with the content. But I look foward to really learning how to study scripture, and to see how much I don't know.
Last, Old Testament Backgrounds. This class is going to KILL ME, but I am STOKED. We don't really have any papers, but a lot of creative projects. We have to read a TON of history books, make artifacts, eat meals with people from the middle-east...so cool. But my favorite part of this class is that we have to pray every day, for at least ten minutes, and then write a little summary each week about what the Lord has taught us through our times of prayer. I've been doing that for 3 days now, and I have really seen through my prayers how I really am struggling with the truth I learned in Theology (it all comes full circle!)
I am so grateful that the Lord has brought me to this place. Every day is a new lesson in trusting Him, and I am so excited to see what He will do during my time at EBC. I think everyone should come join me :)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
nashville highlights.
-getting a tattoo. a dove on the inside of my left arm. i love it.
-playing ping pong/shuffle board while drinking beer.
-fantastic mr. fox. such a good movie.
-ringing in 2010 with charlotte friends (is that an epic poem? i think so.)
-eating fancy mexican popsicles.
-KARAOKE. it was so ridiculous. i can't even begin to describe it.
-picked out my dream boots, they were about $4 billion. or, $357.
all those things were great, but the highlight was just being able to hang out with my BFF for 7 days.
see you tomorrow, los angeles.
-playing ping pong/shuffle board while drinking beer.
-fantastic mr. fox. such a good movie.
-ringing in 2010 with charlotte friends (is that an epic poem? i think so.)
-eating fancy mexican popsicles.
-KARAOKE. it was so ridiculous. i can't even begin to describe it.
-picked out my dream boots, they were about $4 billion. or, $357.
all those things were great, but the highlight was just being able to hang out with my BFF for 7 days.
see you tomorrow, los angeles.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
something i wrote in september 2006...
i wrote this over three years ago...weird...
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the Lord is doing things in my heart...challenging me to TRULY live for Him in America, where all the messages say live only for yourself. And perhaps you have read this before, but this is my heart. I first read it a couple years ago, and again this past year, but right now it is resonating with me very clearly. I want to be a voice in my generation, that GOD may be glorified, that who He is may truly be made known. I feel like I'm going to explode if i write anymore, so...please just read.
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the Lord is doing things in my heart...challenging me to TRULY live for Him in America, where all the messages say live only for yourself. And perhaps you have read this before, but this is my heart. I first read it a couple years ago, and again this past year, but right now it is resonating with me very clearly. I want to be a voice in my generation, that GOD may be glorified, that who He is may truly be made known. I feel like I'm going to explode if i write anymore, so...please just read.
"The Vision" by Pete Grieg
So this guy comes up to me and says, "What's the vision? What's the big idea?"
I open up my mouth and the words come out like this...
The vision?
The vision is Jesus:
obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is of an army of young people.
You see bones?
I see an army.
And they are free from materialism—
They laugh at nine-to-five little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.
They are mobile like the wind.
They belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting, dirty and dying.
What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimal integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, from every conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps—their Satan games.
This is an army that would lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day, its soldiers choose to lose that they might one day win the great "well done" of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don't need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground, the whisper of history in the making, foundations shaking, revolutionaries dreaming once again.
Mystery is scheming in whispers, conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground.
And the army is disciple(in)ed—
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners.
Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulfuric tears and great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting.
Watching.
24-7-365.
Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules,
Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide,
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs,
Laughing at labels,
Fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late-night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive on the inside.
On the outside?
They hardly care!
They wear clothes like costumes: to communicate and celebrate, but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their lives, swap seats with the man on death row, guilty as hell: a throne of an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as though it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses Jesus.
He breathes out.
They breathe in.
Their subconscious sings.
They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping malls.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdoes!
Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes!
They walk tall and trees applaud.
Skyscrapers bow.
Mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the Hound of Heaven and evoke the dream of Eden.
And, this vision will be.
It will come to pass.
It will come easily.
It will come soon.
How do I know?
Because, this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is His today.
My distant hope is His 3-D.
And, my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking, great "AMEN!" from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ himself.
And He is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
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Isaiah 58:11-12
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
two things i was told this weekend.
1. "Do you have a boyfriend?" + "It's about time you had some grandkids for me to play with." - my grandmother
well, at least i wasn't asked if i was a lesbian this time. this is probably the most difficult thing to hear. i'm the only one out of all my cousins who isn't in a serious relationship/married/divorced(some on their second marriage, and the oldest one is in her early 30s). in fact, all of my cousins, except the one that is 15, have children. its awkward. my family is Christian in heritage. but to explain to them why i'm not married is tricky. yes, grandma, there are men in California. thats not the problem. its hard for me not to feel like i'm letting my family down by not producing grandchildren. when i said that to my sister, she said "something is wrong with you." that brought me back to reality. she's not even a believer, but she spoke some serious truth to me.
2. "You are the epitome of Christianity to me."
super humbling. my uncle said this to me kind of in jest as they were begging people to do the dishes. but he also actually meant it. he really desires to follow the Lord; i know this from our many conversations. for him to say this to me...it just was kind of crazy. i'm such a poor reflection, but...i am a reflection, even if its a dirty one.
Other notable things:
-my british grandmother calling my uncle a "bloody yank."
-my uncle suggesting i take moonshine with a little orange juice to get rid of my cough.
And with that, its time for Nashville. Can't wait to see my old friends!
well, at least i wasn't asked if i was a lesbian this time. this is probably the most difficult thing to hear. i'm the only one out of all my cousins who isn't in a serious relationship/married/divorced(some on their second marriage, and the oldest one is in her early 30s). in fact, all of my cousins, except the one that is 15, have children. its awkward. my family is Christian in heritage. but to explain to them why i'm not married is tricky. yes, grandma, there are men in California. thats not the problem. its hard for me not to feel like i'm letting my family down by not producing grandchildren. when i said that to my sister, she said "something is wrong with you." that brought me back to reality. she's not even a believer, but she spoke some serious truth to me.
2. "You are the epitome of Christianity to me."
super humbling. my uncle said this to me kind of in jest as they were begging people to do the dishes. but he also actually meant it. he really desires to follow the Lord; i know this from our many conversations. for him to say this to me...it just was kind of crazy. i'm such a poor reflection, but...i am a reflection, even if its a dirty one.
Other notable things:
-my british grandmother calling my uncle a "bloody yank."
-my uncle suggesting i take moonshine with a little orange juice to get rid of my cough.
And with that, its time for Nashville. Can't wait to see my old friends!
Monday, December 21, 2009
christmas is a magical time.
hello.
right now i'm sitting in my dad's living room in north carolina. he has so many electronic toys. not having a tv or cable for 3 years makes it difficult to figure out how to turn a tv on now. there are 5 remotes and they have an LCD screen to tell you how to use them. wayyyy to complicated. anyway.
so, last tuesday, i was in california. at 4 AM, me and three friends left to go to colorado. it was such a great trip. i saw the sunrise over the mountains as we neared nevada. we stoped and melina gambled a dollar in primm. utah is gorgeous, serene, peaceful (and maybe a little creepy). we ate lunch at a diner called "little wonders cafe" which had great coffee and also a mormon cookbook (what it entailed, i'm not sure). we arrived in colorado just before 10 PM (much to Josh's chagrin.)
the reason we went is for a wedding. i normally have mixed feelings about weddings. sometimes its really awkward if you only know the bride and none of your friends are there. sometimes its awesome when you only kind of know the bride/groom but they throw an awesome reception with a sit-down dinner. this wedding, though, was in neither of those categories. it was my two very good friends, jacob and sarah. i love them SO much. this wedding was my favorite is because it was all about the gospel. it wasn't about sarah and how beautiful she looked (although of course she did!). it wasn't about the dancing or the cake cutting (neither of those occured, but the cake balls were awesome. seriously make some they are GOOD). it was about two people joining together to reflect Christ and His love for the church. Instead of Sarah walking all the way down the aisle to meet Jacob, he met her halfway, as a picture of Christ coming for His bride. it was such a beautiful, incredible picture. I am so excited to see what God does in their lives, and how He uses them to further the gospel.
in addition to the wedding, we got to hang out in denver. I. LOVE. DENVER. i had so much fun hanging out in the city, going to fancy craft stores, going to interesting bars, and just enjoying new people. i heard some good music, and definitley felt a bit cold. but it was so fun. i also took a gondola ride in breckinridge, and saw real life snow bunnies. how do you go skiing and have perfect hair and glossy lips? it was kind of bizarre. but the mountain was beautiful. the city was beautiful. i loved hanging out with my good friends, and i just love the entire lewis family.
so i flew back to North Carolina late last night, and I'll be here until the 28th. I'm excited because i get to spend time with my dad, something i didn't really get to do last time i was here. then manda will pick me up. i am sooooo looking forward to that. oh boy. we will be together for a week! then i go back to LA Jan 4th. And then I start school. oh man. this will be a crazy time, for sure.
so, as you can see, my life has been crazy. in 3 weeks, i will have spent time in 7 different states. whoa. but its so cool. i haven't been able to spend this much time with friends in other states since i was in college. its a blessing to be able to do all these things.
nothing profound. just my life right now. ok, bye.
right now i'm sitting in my dad's living room in north carolina. he has so many electronic toys. not having a tv or cable for 3 years makes it difficult to figure out how to turn a tv on now. there are 5 remotes and they have an LCD screen to tell you how to use them. wayyyy to complicated. anyway.
so, last tuesday, i was in california. at 4 AM, me and three friends left to go to colorado. it was such a great trip. i saw the sunrise over the mountains as we neared nevada. we stoped and melina gambled a dollar in primm. utah is gorgeous, serene, peaceful (and maybe a little creepy). we ate lunch at a diner called "little wonders cafe" which had great coffee and also a mormon cookbook (what it entailed, i'm not sure). we arrived in colorado just before 10 PM (much to Josh's chagrin.)
the reason we went is for a wedding. i normally have mixed feelings about weddings. sometimes its really awkward if you only know the bride and none of your friends are there. sometimes its awesome when you only kind of know the bride/groom but they throw an awesome reception with a sit-down dinner. this wedding, though, was in neither of those categories. it was my two very good friends, jacob and sarah. i love them SO much. this wedding was my favorite is because it was all about the gospel. it wasn't about sarah and how beautiful she looked (although of course she did!). it wasn't about the dancing or the cake cutting (neither of those occured, but the cake balls were awesome. seriously make some they are GOOD). it was about two people joining together to reflect Christ and His love for the church. Instead of Sarah walking all the way down the aisle to meet Jacob, he met her halfway, as a picture of Christ coming for His bride. it was such a beautiful, incredible picture. I am so excited to see what God does in their lives, and how He uses them to further the gospel.
in addition to the wedding, we got to hang out in denver. I. LOVE. DENVER. i had so much fun hanging out in the city, going to fancy craft stores, going to interesting bars, and just enjoying new people. i heard some good music, and definitley felt a bit cold. but it was so fun. i also took a gondola ride in breckinridge, and saw real life snow bunnies. how do you go skiing and have perfect hair and glossy lips? it was kind of bizarre. but the mountain was beautiful. the city was beautiful. i loved hanging out with my good friends, and i just love the entire lewis family.
so i flew back to North Carolina late last night, and I'll be here until the 28th. I'm excited because i get to spend time with my dad, something i didn't really get to do last time i was here. then manda will pick me up. i am sooooo looking forward to that. oh boy. we will be together for a week! then i go back to LA Jan 4th. And then I start school. oh man. this will be a crazy time, for sure.
so, as you can see, my life has been crazy. in 3 weeks, i will have spent time in 7 different states. whoa. but its so cool. i haven't been able to spend this much time with friends in other states since i was in college. its a blessing to be able to do all these things.
nothing profound. just my life right now. ok, bye.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
november.
I just had coffee with a girl who goes to my church. She is so sweet. We have never really had deep discussions, so we shared stories. As I began to tell her my story - my life story, so it was long - i almost wept at what God has done in my life. The first time was when I was telling her when I first started to walk with the Lord. I am so undeserving of His pursuit of me, yet He chose me anyway. Its so beautiful. Then, as I reflected on New York (the first time), feeling called to East Asia, New York (the second time), my year in China/time spent in Thailand, my year in Charlotte, living in Arcadia, not to mention what He has done in me since moving to Simi Valley, i just felt...so overwhelmed. God is so good. I can't believe what He has done in my life, and I'm only 26! If this is what He can do now, I can't even imagine what is to come. I (and perhaps we, depending on who is reading this) serve such an incredible God. I don't understand it. I am such an adultress. I run to other lovers DAILY, when all the while He stands by offering me the true desire of my soul. His love for me makes no sense, but it is true. That i am certain of. While my love may be false and simply a facade, His love in never-changing, always there. It blows me away.
The past 2 months have been so sweet. Having time to fall deeper in love with my Creator has been such a gift. It is only through Him that I have the perspective that I do. I have seen Him do so many crazy things - from providing something as small as a study bible to providing a place where I can live rent-free. I am so undeserving, yet in His graciousness He has given me such things. He truly does know how to give good gifts to His children.
The past 2 months have been so sweet. Having time to fall deeper in love with my Creator has been such a gift. It is only through Him that I have the perspective that I do. I have seen Him do so many crazy things - from providing something as small as a study bible to providing a place where I can live rent-free. I am so undeserving, yet in His graciousness He has given me such things. He truly does know how to give good gifts to His children.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
satisfaction.
In March of 2006, I began to fight a very long battle.
It was at this time that my faith was completely shaken. I was in China, as a missionary, to tell people about Jesus and the hope we have in Him, and I was completely unsure of what I believed. I began to question everything, and God began to show me that I had believed a false gospel my entire life. (in fact, He's still showing me that). I was completely stripped. What i had been clinging to was not the right thing. This left me in complete disarray. Put that with living in a completely different culture, and you've got a perfect recipe for depression :) I pushed through, cried out to God, but I knew God wasn't done with me, as much as I wished he would be.
So, in July of 2006, I found myself in Charlotte. it was glorious at first, being surrounded by so many good people and being HOME. But God still had work to do. I felt alone. SO alone. Its hard to explain how you can feel alone even though you are surrounded by so many people. I have never in my life felt so desperate. I felt abandoned. I even started seeing a Christian counselor, which was good. I wanted her to give me something to make me feel better. But she, like others, agreed that my issues were circumstantial. Charlotte was SO hard; in fact, only recently can I read my journal from that time. The last month there was beautiful, though. I had no job, no house...I spent an entire month with God. It was INCREDIBLE. I was so in love with Him, that nothing else mattered. There was no "life" to get in the way. It was a sweet time of fellowship that I don't think I'd ever had before, nor have i had since.
But it was time to go. So I moved again. It was SO from God. He confirmed that for me countless times as I prayed through it. Found myself in California. And it was so good, the newness of it all. But eventually i found...He wasn't done. He had to strip me, show me my idols. I began to see that at times I would stop at an oasis, but that the desert was still there.
And now, here I am, still in California. Things have changed. I've learned so much. God has done miraculous things in my heart. But He's not done. And that makes me feel crazy somedays. I just want relief. I beg God, please, give me relief. And He does, for a time. But He's not done. And MAN, is it hard. I have cried so many tears - of frustration, of sorrow, and sometimes of grief for the things that I have lost. But because He loves me, because He is relentless in His pursuit of me, He won't give up. And He is a JEALOUS God. He won't stand for other lovers. He knows that true love isn't always what we want - its what we need...
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt...And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." (Hosea 2)
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (John 12)
It was at this time that my faith was completely shaken. I was in China, as a missionary, to tell people about Jesus and the hope we have in Him, and I was completely unsure of what I believed. I began to question everything, and God began to show me that I had believed a false gospel my entire life. (in fact, He's still showing me that). I was completely stripped. What i had been clinging to was not the right thing. This left me in complete disarray. Put that with living in a completely different culture, and you've got a perfect recipe for depression :) I pushed through, cried out to God, but I knew God wasn't done with me, as much as I wished he would be.
So, in July of 2006, I found myself in Charlotte. it was glorious at first, being surrounded by so many good people and being HOME. But God still had work to do. I felt alone. SO alone. Its hard to explain how you can feel alone even though you are surrounded by so many people. I have never in my life felt so desperate. I felt abandoned. I even started seeing a Christian counselor, which was good. I wanted her to give me something to make me feel better. But she, like others, agreed that my issues were circumstantial. Charlotte was SO hard; in fact, only recently can I read my journal from that time. The last month there was beautiful, though. I had no job, no house...I spent an entire month with God. It was INCREDIBLE. I was so in love with Him, that nothing else mattered. There was no "life" to get in the way. It was a sweet time of fellowship that I don't think I'd ever had before, nor have i had since.
But it was time to go. So I moved again. It was SO from God. He confirmed that for me countless times as I prayed through it. Found myself in California. And it was so good, the newness of it all. But eventually i found...He wasn't done. He had to strip me, show me my idols. I began to see that at times I would stop at an oasis, but that the desert was still there.
And now, here I am, still in California. Things have changed. I've learned so much. God has done miraculous things in my heart. But He's not done. And that makes me feel crazy somedays. I just want relief. I beg God, please, give me relief. And He does, for a time. But He's not done. And MAN, is it hard. I have cried so many tears - of frustration, of sorrow, and sometimes of grief for the things that I have lost. But because He loves me, because He is relentless in His pursuit of me, He won't give up. And He is a JEALOUS God. He won't stand for other lovers. He knows that true love isn't always what we want - its what we need...
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt...And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." (Hosea 2)
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (John 12)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
long time.
well, it has been a long time. like 6 months. i feel like i could say a lot. i've learned a lot. i'm living in simi valley. again. for another year. i'm starting my third year in california. that is completely bizarre to me. i never thought i'd be here. when i moved, i thought a year. when i stayed, i figured just one more year. and yet, here i am. just existing.
yet, i know my time here has purpose. even though most days i can't see it. i long with every fiber of my being to be back with elic. although i know this is where i am supposed to be, sometimes i feel like i made the wrong choice. my work there gave me purpose like no other. like i have said many times, i loved my job as a sender. i got up every morning ready to go to work because i LOVED it. yesterday, i was looking at fair trade catalogs and cried. poverty, spiritual and physical, breaks my heart. and my job has so much potential to change that but i can't move forward with it. so i sit, answering calls, looking at jewelry for old ladies, reading books that are lame, and becoming more and more disgusted with christian culture (seriously, if i see one more bible specifically designed for "god's little princess" i will throw up.) i want to be in asia, but god is breaking my heart for what is right in front of me.
but like i said, there is purpose. i was talking with a friend about how life since moving to simi valley has been HARD. actually, since moving to CA, but even more so since i've moved here. and i realized...we are part of something that satan is scared of - living BIBLICALLY. living for the glory of god. the thing about being the church instead of going to church is that it radically transforms lives. hence the idea of not just community, but TRANSFORMATIVE community. so, we should expect opposition. instead we wonder why we struggle the way we do, with things we never have before. its because we make satan nervous. well we're not leaving so BOOYAH (thats one of my favorite words of the moment. feel free to use it).
so, i'll leave with this: god is good. and i'm learning, ever so slowly, to trust him.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
contentment.
hello there.
recently, it has come to my attention that i am 25 and not married.
i know, you are thinking "oh, really? i'm surprised!" what i mean by that is that i am aware of that fact. prior to this realization, i thought "yeah i'm not married. whatever." but there is something about realizing where you thought you would be, and where you are. i honestly thought i'd be married by now. or at least dating someone on the path to marriage. yet, here i am. blogging about my singleness. HAHA. its weird, for some reason, i've had lots of books come accross my path about the nature of men and women, and our BIBLICAL roles. often, these biblical roles play out in natural ways. but i digress. its been really interesting. one thing that has really struck me is that, as a woman, i'm not designed to provide for myself. when you look at scripture, even when a woman was widowed, the community was to come alongside her and care for her. and yet, here i am, struggling each month to provide for myself.
i have no desire to climb the corporate ladder. what i want to do is teach preschool and/or be a wife and mother. i know i'm a good teacher, and i have hopes that i will be an excellent wife and mother. instead, i'm working in a corporate-type environment (but don't get paid corporate-type wages ha). i might have to share a room the next place i live in.
i kind of feel like my expectations have been shattered. at 25, i expected to at least have a job where i didn't scrape by every month. and be on the path to marriage. but none of those things are true. i feel like each step i take is a step backwards, not forwards. but on whose path? mine, or the Lord's? if i truly believe that He has good plans for me, then why am i fighting so hard againt where he has me? Paul's words really struck me this week:
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
I need to learn to be content. God has me in this place. And i don't want to miss his blessings because I'm too busy pining for what I don't have to see what is right in front of me. If I believe in God's goodness and sovreignty, then I need to live it.
recently, it has come to my attention that i am 25 and not married.
i know, you are thinking "oh, really? i'm surprised!" what i mean by that is that i am aware of that fact. prior to this realization, i thought "yeah i'm not married. whatever." but there is something about realizing where you thought you would be, and where you are. i honestly thought i'd be married by now. or at least dating someone on the path to marriage. yet, here i am. blogging about my singleness. HAHA. its weird, for some reason, i've had lots of books come accross my path about the nature of men and women, and our BIBLICAL roles. often, these biblical roles play out in natural ways. but i digress. its been really interesting. one thing that has really struck me is that, as a woman, i'm not designed to provide for myself. when you look at scripture, even when a woman was widowed, the community was to come alongside her and care for her. and yet, here i am, struggling each month to provide for myself.
i have no desire to climb the corporate ladder. what i want to do is teach preschool and/or be a wife and mother. i know i'm a good teacher, and i have hopes that i will be an excellent wife and mother. instead, i'm working in a corporate-type environment (but don't get paid corporate-type wages ha). i might have to share a room the next place i live in.
i kind of feel like my expectations have been shattered. at 25, i expected to at least have a job where i didn't scrape by every month. and be on the path to marriage. but none of those things are true. i feel like each step i take is a step backwards, not forwards. but on whose path? mine, or the Lord's? if i truly believe that He has good plans for me, then why am i fighting so hard againt where he has me? Paul's words really struck me this week:
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
I need to learn to be content. God has me in this place. And i don't want to miss his blessings because I'm too busy pining for what I don't have to see what is right in front of me. If I believe in God's goodness and sovreignty, then I need to live it.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
ha.
i was told that i could leave at 4 PM today. had i known that beforehand, i would not have carpooled today HA.
my boss told me i could just read. so i have my bible, total church, and a pen handy :) its quiet and i will (hopefully) not be interrupted.
tomorrow, 3 of my favorite people from charlotte arrive. and we will eat turkey. and don't worry, i won't burn it. i am cooking for 7 people, 5 of them boys. what a hilarious thanksgiving. but it sure does feel like family :)
i really am SO thankful. its really crazy. god has given me so much to be thankful for...its amazing. if i started a list it would be a mile long. but God has been truly good to me. So much has happened over the past year, and I'm so grateful for each step of the journey.
Let the holidays begin :)
my boss told me i could just read. so i have my bible, total church, and a pen handy :) its quiet and i will (hopefully) not be interrupted.
tomorrow, 3 of my favorite people from charlotte arrive. and we will eat turkey. and don't worry, i won't burn it. i am cooking for 7 people, 5 of them boys. what a hilarious thanksgiving. but it sure does feel like family :)
i really am SO thankful. its really crazy. god has given me so much to be thankful for...its amazing. if i started a list it would be a mile long. but God has been truly good to me. So much has happened over the past year, and I'm so grateful for each step of the journey.
Let the holidays begin :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
my heart feels alive.
i am so thankful.
its crazy. i love my charlotte family. so much. but then, i was talking with a friend, and it just struck me...i need to be grateful. i have been given so much here. i am really, truly loved. and there is no selfishness in it. it is so good and pure and christ-like.
i am so so so thankful. i have amazing people here who do not let me sit in my sin. sure, my friendships are sometimes hard and uncomfortable. but thats what purshes me towards Christ, towards holiness. thats what life is about. to live is christ, to die is gain. i want everything i say and do, and the relationships that i have, to reflect that verse.
god is amazing. i am so in love with him. mmmmmmmm!
its crazy. i love my charlotte family. so much. but then, i was talking with a friend, and it just struck me...i need to be grateful. i have been given so much here. i am really, truly loved. and there is no selfishness in it. it is so good and pure and christ-like.
i am so so so thankful. i have amazing people here who do not let me sit in my sin. sure, my friendships are sometimes hard and uncomfortable. but thats what purshes me towards Christ, towards holiness. thats what life is about. to live is christ, to die is gain. i want everything i say and do, and the relationships that i have, to reflect that verse.
god is amazing. i am so in love with him. mmmmmmmm!
Monday, November 10, 2008
dear charlotte,
a letter to charlotte and the amazing people it containted, both past and present.
dear charlotte,
i first want to say, that i'm sorry i hated you that one time. you know, when i lived there? i see how dumb that was. for some reason, you somehow brought the most amazing people ever created and threw them all together for one glorious year. then, we all had to leave. its sad, really. together, we are a big giant group of love, sunshine, and happiness. its so true, charlotte, that you don't know what you have until its gone (sorry, i just couldn't bring myself to type with such poor grammar).
i'm so glad you have an airport, so that i could fly and visit those amazing people. you also have a nice skyline that seems to grow wider and taller each time i visit you. its funny, charlotte. i live in los angeles, where many people come to pursue their dreams. but me? i'd rather be with you, as long as you bring all the amazing people back from their corners - nashville, philadelphia, raleigh, etc. also, your leaves are quite nice this time of year.
charlotte, thank you for letting me live on your crazy streets. i miss them a lot. even the ones that don't make sense.
love,
lindsey
ok, letter done. let me just say, that i miss charlotte so much. its CRAZY to me that i have lived in CA for longer than i lived in charlotte, yet that place (or really those people) still have my heart like no one else. i have not found that here yet. the people here are different - in a good way, but just different. i have never felt so comfortable and free to be myself. gosh, i miss all those people. teddy, chris, hailey, angela, manda, ginny, tim, peter, kelly, joel, staci, audrey...i know i left people off this list, but MAN. i love these people so much. i know my place is here, but my heart is not. i forgot what it was like to be so loved. to not have to fight so hard for my friendships. to not have to constantly be working on them...and just BE. enjoy life. dance like there is no tomorrow, and not care if you look idiotic. i forgot that. i think i've spent too much time trying here.
so, maybe i'll stop. and just be myself. what a novel idea.
dear charlotte,
i first want to say, that i'm sorry i hated you that one time. you know, when i lived there? i see how dumb that was. for some reason, you somehow brought the most amazing people ever created and threw them all together for one glorious year. then, we all had to leave. its sad, really. together, we are a big giant group of love, sunshine, and happiness. its so true, charlotte, that you don't know what you have until its gone (sorry, i just couldn't bring myself to type with such poor grammar).
i'm so glad you have an airport, so that i could fly and visit those amazing people. you also have a nice skyline that seems to grow wider and taller each time i visit you. its funny, charlotte. i live in los angeles, where many people come to pursue their dreams. but me? i'd rather be with you, as long as you bring all the amazing people back from their corners - nashville, philadelphia, raleigh, etc. also, your leaves are quite nice this time of year.
charlotte, thank you for letting me live on your crazy streets. i miss them a lot. even the ones that don't make sense.
love,
lindsey
ok, letter done. let me just say, that i miss charlotte so much. its CRAZY to me that i have lived in CA for longer than i lived in charlotte, yet that place (or really those people) still have my heart like no one else. i have not found that here yet. the people here are different - in a good way, but just different. i have never felt so comfortable and free to be myself. gosh, i miss all those people. teddy, chris, hailey, angela, manda, ginny, tim, peter, kelly, joel, staci, audrey...i know i left people off this list, but MAN. i love these people so much. i know my place is here, but my heart is not. i forgot what it was like to be so loved. to not have to fight so hard for my friendships. to not have to constantly be working on them...and just BE. enjoy life. dance like there is no tomorrow, and not care if you look idiotic. i forgot that. i think i've spent too much time trying here.
so, maybe i'll stop. and just be myself. what a novel idea.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
choosing the eternal at the expense of the temporary.
2 Corinthians 5
The Temporal and Eternal
1For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
2For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven,
3inasmuch as we, having put it on, will not be found naked.
4For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life.
5Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge.
6Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord--
7for we walk by faith, not by sight--
8we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.
9Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.
10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.
11Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade men, but we are made manifest to God; and I hope that we are made manifest also in your consciences.
12We are not again commending ourselves to you but are giving you an occasion to be proud of us, so that you will have an answer for those who take pride in appearance and not in heart.
13For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you.
14For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died;
15and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.
16Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him in this way no longer.
17Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
18Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,
19namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.
20Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
21He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
The Temporal and Eternal
1For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
2For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven,
3inasmuch as we, having put it on, will not be found naked.
4For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life.
5Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge.
6Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord--
7for we walk by faith, not by sight--
8we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.
9Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.
10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.
11Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade men, but we are made manifest to God; and I hope that we are made manifest also in your consciences.
12We are not again commending ourselves to you but are giving you an occasion to be proud of us, so that you will have an answer for those who take pride in appearance and not in heart.
13For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you.
14For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died;
15and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.
16Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him in this way no longer.
17Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
18Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,
19namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.
20Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
21He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
no time.
there is so much i could say. but here is something.
a. GOD IS GOOD.
b. honesty is awesome.
god is doing such a crazy work in my heart. its honestly so painful because its a deep, deep issue that he is showing me. i've never seen how utterly sinful i am in such a clear way. there is so much gross stuff in my heart. there is a root...of pride, insecurity, fear of man...its so deep. it hurts god, me, and others. and God is pulling it out. i don't like it because it hurts. a lot. but oh, how i long to be like Christ, and give Him His rightful place on the throne of my heart.
I have so many idols, mostly centered around people. But I don't want to esteem or give value to anyone above CHRIST. When He commands us to have no other gods before Him, His two reasons are 1. I am the Lord and 2. I have redeemed you. How can I have any gods before Him? He is worthy of my whole-hearted devotion simply because He is.
So that is what is going on in my life. Pulling out the weeds instead of just pulling the tops off. Getting to the core of an issue, as part of the process. Submitting to the process with joy. Delighting in God and His love for me. Falling in love with Christ and His creation. Pursuing the Holy Spirit and His path for me instead of my own comfort.
Boy, thats a lot.
OK, bye.
a. GOD IS GOOD.
b. honesty is awesome.
god is doing such a crazy work in my heart. its honestly so painful because its a deep, deep issue that he is showing me. i've never seen how utterly sinful i am in such a clear way. there is so much gross stuff in my heart. there is a root...of pride, insecurity, fear of man...its so deep. it hurts god, me, and others. and God is pulling it out. i don't like it because it hurts. a lot. but oh, how i long to be like Christ, and give Him His rightful place on the throne of my heart.
I have so many idols, mostly centered around people. But I don't want to esteem or give value to anyone above CHRIST. When He commands us to have no other gods before Him, His two reasons are 1. I am the Lord and 2. I have redeemed you. How can I have any gods before Him? He is worthy of my whole-hearted devotion simply because He is.
So that is what is going on in my life. Pulling out the weeds instead of just pulling the tops off. Getting to the core of an issue, as part of the process. Submitting to the process with joy. Delighting in God and His love for me. Falling in love with Christ and His creation. Pursuing the Holy Spirit and His path for me instead of my own comfort.
Boy, thats a lot.
OK, bye.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
the end.
today, i'm leaving my precious CTFers in the hands of their team leaders, for good. i had no idea how difficult this would be! a year of work has come to this point. they are all here, interacting in their teams, begining to grow together. its beautiful. and so hard! because i don't get to go with them. i love being a sender. its SUCH a blessing. its not just something i say. my job has been so incredible this past year. its been hard and draining at times, but at the same time it has been the most amazing experience - professionally, spiritually, emotionally, relationally - just amazing.
but today, its done. my year with ELIC is essentially over. its a sobering thought. i can't believe its already here. i wish time didn't pass so quickly sometimes.
now, i'm moving forward. moving into the unexpected. changing jobs, one that i'm excited and terrified about. i've prayed that God would make me dependent on Him, and He has answered that prayer a lot. sometimes, i think...why would i pray that? but, its so good. i'm so excited about what is to come. scared, but excited. i've moved to a new place. my community is changing. god is changing me. its almost overwhelming.
and yet, there is peace. peace that i sometimes have to fight for. but its there. i know this is what i need to be doing. and i know that whatever is ahead, it is better than what is behind.
but today, its done. my year with ELIC is essentially over. its a sobering thought. i can't believe its already here. i wish time didn't pass so quickly sometimes.
now, i'm moving forward. moving into the unexpected. changing jobs, one that i'm excited and terrified about. i've prayed that God would make me dependent on Him, and He has answered that prayer a lot. sometimes, i think...why would i pray that? but, its so good. i'm so excited about what is to come. scared, but excited. i've moved to a new place. my community is changing. god is changing me. its almost overwhelming.
and yet, there is peace. peace that i sometimes have to fight for. but its there. i know this is what i need to be doing. and i know that whatever is ahead, it is better than what is behind.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
You make all things new
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
You make all things new
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
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