ouch.

it is hard for me to accept that god might be taking me through something hard for someone else's benefit.  i really don't want that.  if its hard on me, i want to be refined.  i don't want to have an emotional breakdown so someone else will grow closer to christ.  ouch.  thats a sad statement.  i should be willing to do anything, give anything, for someone else to experience sweet intimacy with jesus.  instead, i yell at him when my situation doesn't change, when nothing will make my heart feel better, when i lay my burdens down only to receive more.  

yet, who do i live for?  myself?  no, i live for christ.  i have to wrap my brain around the fact that if because i'm hurting, the gospel goes forth, then so be it.

1 Keep me safe, O God,
       for in you I take refuge.

 2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
       apart from you I have no good thing."

 3 As for the saints who are in the land,
       they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. ^[b]

 4 The sorrows of those will increase
       who run after other gods.
       I will not pour out their libations of blood
       or take up their names on my lips.

 5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
       you have made my lot secure.

 6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
       surely I have a delightful inheritance.

 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
       even at night my heart instructs me.

 8 I have set the LORD always before me.
       Because he is at my right hand,
       I will not be shaken.

 9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
       my body also will rest secure,

 10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, ^[c]
       nor will you let your Holy One ^[d] see decay.

 11 You have made ^[e] known to me the path of life;
       you will fill me with joy in your presence,
       with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

(Psalm 16)