satisfaction.

In March of 2006, I began to fight a very long battle.

It was at this time that my faith was completely shaken. I was in China, as a missionary, to tell people about Jesus and the hope we have in Him, and I was completely unsure of what I believed. I began to question everything, and God began to show me that I had believed a false gospel my entire life. (in fact, He's still showing me that). I was completely stripped. What i had been clinging to was not the right thing. This left me in complete disarray. Put that with living in a completely different culture, and you've got a perfect recipe for depression :) I pushed through, cried out to God, but I knew God wasn't done with me, as much as I wished he would be.

So, in July of 2006, I found myself in Charlotte. it was glorious at first, being surrounded by so many good people and being HOME. But God still had work to do. I felt alone. SO alone. Its hard to explain how you can feel alone even though you are surrounded by so many people. I have never in my life felt so desperate. I felt abandoned. I even started seeing a Christian counselor, which was good. I wanted her to give me something to make me feel better. But she, like others, agreed that my issues were circumstantial. Charlotte was SO hard; in fact, only recently can I read my journal from that time. The last month there was beautiful, though. I had no job, no house...I spent an entire month with God. It was INCREDIBLE. I was so in love with Him, that nothing else mattered. There was no "life" to get in the way. It was a sweet time of fellowship that I don't think I'd ever had before, nor have i had since.

But it was time to go. So I moved again. It was SO from God. He confirmed that for me countless times as I prayed through it. Found myself in California. And it was so good, the newness of it all. But eventually i found...He wasn't done. He had to strip me, show me my idols. I began to see that at times I would stop at an oasis, but that the desert was still there.

And now, here I am, still in California. Things have changed. I've learned so much. God has done miraculous things in my heart. But He's not done. And that makes me feel crazy somedays. I just want relief. I beg God, please, give me relief. And He does, for a time. But He's not done. And MAN, is it hard. I have cried so many tears - of frustration, of sorrow, and sometimes of grief for the things that I have lost. But because He loves me, because He is relentless in His pursuit of me, He won't give up. And He is a JEALOUS God. He won't stand for other lovers. He knows that true love isn't always what we want - its what we need...

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt...And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." (Hosea 2)

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (John 12)