i hate the internet.

its stupid, really.  all i do is waste time.  i have a phone, and i have a face that i can bring to another person and have a real conversation.  realize its useful for somethings, but not really.  if we are real friends, it should be worth the effort to have actual conversation instead of meaningless dribble on the internet. i hate the word dribble.  unless referring to basketball.

why am i writing this on the internet to begin with.

bye.

too serious.

ok, i am too serious. i probably cry so much b/c i think too long and too hard and give myself an ulcer about things that really don't matter. so, i've decided to be very non-serious right now.

except now i don't know what to write.

ok, how about this:
-sometimes, i get the urge to kick people. or pigeons. maybe babies. but i never do.
-i deal cards backwards (counter clockwise).
-my friends live all over the freaking world.
-i actually like feeling sandy at the beach.
-my best friend is amazing.
-my house smells like "vanilla lime", but mostly lime, although i think it smells kind of like a tootsie roll.
-if i had to decide right now where to go in october, i'd go back to asia.
-i feel that strawberries are the world's second most delicious fruit. pineapples are first.
-i really am going to write a book. maybe sooner than later.

so, there you have it. the random thoughts i have during my 5 minute break at work.
welp, see ya later.

ouch.

it is hard for me to accept that god might be taking me through something hard for someone else's benefit.  i really don't want that.  if its hard on me, i want to be refined.  i don't want to have an emotional breakdown so someone else will grow closer to christ.  ouch.  thats a sad statement.  i should be willing to do anything, give anything, for someone else to experience sweet intimacy with jesus.  instead, i yell at him when my situation doesn't change, when nothing will make my heart feel better, when i lay my burdens down only to receive more.  

yet, who do i live for?  myself?  no, i live for christ.  i have to wrap my brain around the fact that if because i'm hurting, the gospel goes forth, then so be it.

1 Keep me safe, O God,
       for in you I take refuge.

 2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
       apart from you I have no good thing."

 3 As for the saints who are in the land,
       they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. ^[b]

 4 The sorrows of those will increase
       who run after other gods.
       I will not pour out their libations of blood
       or take up their names on my lips.

 5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
       you have made my lot secure.

 6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
       surely I have a delightful inheritance.

 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
       even at night my heart instructs me.

 8 I have set the LORD always before me.
       Because he is at my right hand,
       I will not be shaken.

 9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
       my body also will rest secure,

 10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, ^[c]
       nor will you let your Holy One ^[d] see decay.

 11 You have made ^[e] known to me the path of life;
       you will fill me with joy in your presence,
       with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

(Psalm 16)

carrying the load.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Galatians 6:1-10)

This verse perplexes me. What does it all mean? I'm struggling right now with what it means to "carry each other's burdens." I feel very weighed down right now. Naturally, I love to listen to others. I love to point them towards Truth, to share what God has done in my life and encourage others to pursue Him. The problem is, I also absorb those problems. I carry them on my own shoulders, and often feel like I am carrying that person. I don't know how to release them to the Lord. I think accountability is good; i think we should be sharing with each other and, as it says above, be willing to gently encourage one another back towards living a life in pursuit of Christ. But I also think that sometimes, we can view one another as the Holy Spirit, which is where it gets into trouble. Too often, I rely on the voice of others instead of the One who really knows what I should do. I don't want to listen/give advice to the point that others see me as a replacement for the Holy Spirit...not that they would knowingly/consciously do that, but I think it happens. I've totally done that with others.

Anyway, back to the original question - what does it meant to carry each others burdens but also carry our own load? I feel like lately i've received loads of advice relating to this, and its not biblical. Most people, even Christians, tell me to consider my own feelings and what I can handle. What the heck. That seems really far from scripture.  I mean, we should consider others better than ourselves, looking to Christ Jesus, who humbled Himself to death for our sake (Philippians 2).  So, as a Christian, how can I biblically say that I should consider my own feelings?  Now, there is a difference between following the Spirit and it causes someone to be hurt.  Jesus says our love for our families should look like hate in comparison to our love for Christ.   But there is a difference between the two.  

I don't know what this is even about, or if it even has a point.  i'm not sure why i choose to process on the internet.  Ha.

Goodnight. 

strive to enter through the narrow door.

Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God's own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He!
And He must win the battle.
(Martin Luther)

"What makes the demands of Jesus to strive and to be vigilant seem burdensome is the assumption that we are left to ourselves...We are not left to ourselves in our striving. The command to strive is the command to experience the powerful striving of God on our behalf in fulfillment of his new-covenant promise to cause us to walk in his statutes." (John Piper)

o. no.

i lost my bible. i am very sad. i have a pocket bible, but i really, really love my study bible. i also lost my journal. i can't find either. i think i left them at the beach. or at starbucks.
but i don't only miss it b/c its a great study bible. i miss the memories it contains. the dates when i wrote down things i was learning, only to come back a year later and have my heart reminded of those things. like last year when reading philippians, i circled multiple times in philippians 3, "i want to know christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering." my bible became more than the word of God to me...it became a chronicle of my journey. it was especially poigniant since i got it 2 days after i returned from china, so the things written were evidence of the difficult struggles. i don't want a replacement, i want my bible.

also, god is SO amazing. i was telling my best friend that i was struggling with some stuff and she pointed out a couple things.
1. i was saying "I" in every sentance.
2. i need to stop and ask the Spirit what he wants me to do.

then, today, frances is talking about how we need to be led by the spirit (he's still going through galatians. and i LOVE it.) and he said no one runs on the treadmill while eating cheetos. you do one or the other. and when i feel like eating cheetos, i should probably just get on the treadmill. in the same way, if we are walking with the Spirit, we aren't going to be sinning. He then pointed out that its not about us (see point 1.) HA. THEN he started talking about how when we pray "god make me stop sinning" and he doesn't we're like "oh man god's not answering." What we should be praying is "God, what do you want me to do right now?" because if we ask him, he's not going to tell us "Go sin." I mean, that makes so much sense. We just aren't praying to be led by the spirit. And as he said that i was thinking, "I don't want to pray that b/c i'm SCARED of what he will tell me to do or ask me to give up." Then, he said that very same That was crazaaayyyy! It was just amazing that he talked about everything I was struggling with.
So, my resolve is to let this verse be my prayer:
"Since we live by the spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit" (Galatians 5:25).

The end.

in honor of the upcoming holiday:

when no means no.

you know when you want something very badly, and yet everything screams NO? your own heart, your friends, and even the Lord say "NO", and yet your desire remains unchanged?
that frustrates me. i want to accept the loving correction and leading of my Father, who truly knows what is best for me, even if it seems contrary to my desires. He knows that giving me those things would make less room for Him, and He is a jealous God.
And yet here I sit, with these desires that aren't sinful, but ones to which the Lord is saying "No...but look, wait, and watch what I have in store for you." I want to long for the things of God, the things that will fill me up with Him, rather than silly, empty snacks that will leave me feeling totally unsatisfied. I'm tired of seeking my satisfaction in other people and other things; in affirmation, in relationships with others, even in attention. I just want the Lord. But my willpower, my desire to chase after that instead of all the empty things is so low. I don't get it. I know I feel empty, and yet I return to those things time and again. The only answer is found in CHRIST. I have to CLING to Him, for HE ALONE is my HOPE.

the thorn.

i had some realizations today that are just hitting me in the most profound way. so, since i've been out here, my life has been nothing short of amazing, except one thing (which i won't go into). this one thing has constantly forced me on my knees and kept me needing God. without it, i would probably be just as happy as a bird (is that a saying? i don't even like birds). its been something that has been incredibly difficult on me emotionally, and sometimes spiritually. and sometimes my attitude has been anger and bitterness.
but today, i'm thankful. i'm SO thankful that god has kept me needing him.
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
This verse perfectly describes what i'm feeling right now. Christ's power is made perfect in weakness! God, don't make me strong! Make me weak! I want to know CHRIST and the POWER of His resurrection. I don't want to rely on myself, for anything. So I'm thankful that God, in his grace, has allowed me to show Him strong in my weakness.

God is good.

Things I Like Right Now:

"Therefore, we should so fimly establish ourselves in God that we have no need to seek much human ecouragement. Its is when a man of good will is distressed, or tempted, or afflicted with evil thoughts, that he best understands the overwhelming need he has for God, without whom he can do nothing. While enduring these afflictions he takes himself to prayer with sighs and groans; he grows tired of this life and wishes to die so that he could be undone in order to live with Christ. It is in such times of trial that he realizes that perfect security and full peace are not to be found in this world."


"Hold fast to Jesus in both life and in death and commit yourself to his steadfast love, for He alone can help you when all others fail. You Beloved is such that He admits no rival; He wants your heart all to Himself and desires to reign there as a king on his own throne."

"Simplicity looks to God, but purity finds him and enjoys him."


2 Corinthinas 4, Colossians.

the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
(galatians 5:6)

i have read galatians multiple times, and never noticed this verse. man, that's good.

man.

march is going to be a good month.  i'm excited.