something i wrote in september 2006...

i wrote this over three years ago...weird...
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the Lord is doing things in my heart...challenging me to TRULY live for Him in America, where all the messages say live only for yourself. And perhaps you have read this before, but this is my heart. I first read it a couple years ago, and again this past year, but right now it is resonating with me very clearly. I want to be a voice in my generation, that GOD may be glorified, that who He is may truly be made known. I feel like I'm going to explode if i write anymore, so...please just read.

"The Vision" by Pete Grieg

So this guy comes up to me and says, "What's the vision? What's the big idea?"
I open up my mouth and the words come out like this...

The vision?
The vision is Jesus:
obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is of an army of young people.
You see bones?
I see an army.

And they are free from materialism—
They laugh at nine-to-five little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.

They are mobile like the wind.
They belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting, dirty and dying.

What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimal integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, from every conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps—their Satan games.

This is an army that would lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day, its soldiers choose to lose that they might one day win the great "well done" of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.

They don't need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground, the whisper of history in the making, foundations shaking, revolutionaries dreaming once again.
Mystery is scheming in whispers, conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground.

And the army is disciple(in)ed—
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain."

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners.
Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them?

And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulfuric tears and great barrow loads of laughter!

Waiting.
Watching.
24-7-365.

Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules,
Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide,
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs,
Laughing at labels,
Fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late-night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive on the inside.
On the outside?
They hardly care!
They wear clothes like costumes: to communicate and celebrate, but never to hide.

Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their lives, swap seats with the man on death row, guilty as hell: a throne of an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as though it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses Jesus.
He breathes out.
They breathe in.
Their subconscious sings.
They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.

Their words make demons scream in shopping malls.
Don't you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdoes!
Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes!
They walk tall and trees applaud.
Skyscrapers bow.
Mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.

Their prayers summon the Hound of Heaven and evoke the dream of Eden.

And, this vision will be.
It will come to pass.
It will come easily.
It will come soon.

How do I know?
Because, this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the spirit, the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is His today.
My distant hope is His 3-D.
And, my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking, great "AMEN!" from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ himself.

And He is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.

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Isaiah 58:11-12

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

two things i was told this weekend.

1. "Do you have a boyfriend?" + "It's about time you had some grandkids for me to play with." - my grandmother

well, at least i wasn't asked if i was a lesbian this time. this is probably the most difficult thing to hear. i'm the only one out of all my cousins who isn't in a serious relationship/married/divorced(some on their second marriage, and the oldest one is in her early 30s). in fact, all of my cousins, except the one that is 15, have children. its awkward. my family is Christian in heritage. but to explain to them why i'm not married is tricky. yes, grandma, there are men in California. thats not the problem. its hard for me not to feel like i'm letting my family down by not producing grandchildren. when i said that to my sister, she said "something is wrong with you." that brought me back to reality. she's not even a believer, but she spoke some serious truth to me.

2. "You are the epitome of Christianity to me."

super humbling. my uncle said this to me kind of in jest as they were begging people to do the dishes. but he also actually meant it. he really desires to follow the Lord; i know this from our many conversations. for him to say this to me...it just was kind of crazy. i'm such a poor reflection, but...i am a reflection, even if its a dirty one.

Other notable things:

-my british grandmother calling my uncle a "bloody yank."
-my uncle suggesting i take moonshine with a little orange juice to get rid of my cough.

And with that, its time for Nashville. Can't wait to see my old friends!

christmas is a magical time.

hello.
right now i'm sitting in my dad's living room in north carolina. he has so many electronic toys. not having a tv or cable for 3 years makes it difficult to figure out how to turn a tv on now. there are 5 remotes and they have an LCD screen to tell you how to use them. wayyyy to complicated. anyway.
so, last tuesday, i was in california. at 4 AM, me and three friends left to go to colorado. it was such a great trip. i saw the sunrise over the mountains as we neared nevada. we stoped and melina gambled a dollar in primm. utah is gorgeous, serene, peaceful (and maybe a little creepy). we ate lunch at a diner called "little wonders cafe" which had great coffee and also a mormon cookbook (what it entailed, i'm not sure). we arrived in colorado just before 10 PM (much to Josh's chagrin.)

the reason we went is for a wedding. i normally have mixed feelings about weddings. sometimes its really awkward if you only know the bride and none of your friends are there. sometimes its awesome when you only kind of know the bride/groom but they throw an awesome reception with a sit-down dinner. this wedding, though, was in neither of those categories. it was my two very good friends, jacob and sarah. i love them SO much. this wedding was my favorite is because it was all about the gospel. it wasn't about sarah and how beautiful she looked (although of course she did!). it wasn't about the dancing or the cake cutting (neither of those occured, but the cake balls were awesome. seriously make some they are GOOD). it was about two people joining together to reflect Christ and His love for the church. Instead of Sarah walking all the way down the aisle to meet Jacob, he met her halfway, as a picture of Christ coming for His bride. it was such a beautiful, incredible picture. I am so excited to see what God does in their lives, and how He uses them to further the gospel.

in addition to the wedding, we got to hang out in denver. I. LOVE. DENVER. i had so much fun hanging out in the city, going to fancy craft stores, going to interesting bars, and just enjoying new people. i heard some good music, and definitley felt a bit cold. but it was so fun. i also took a gondola ride in breckinridge, and saw real life snow bunnies. how do you go skiing and have perfect hair and glossy lips? it was kind of bizarre. but the mountain was beautiful. the city was beautiful. i loved hanging out with my good friends, and i just love the entire lewis family.

so i flew back to North Carolina late last night, and I'll be here until the 28th. I'm excited because i get to spend time with my dad, something i didn't really get to do last time i was here. then manda will pick me up. i am sooooo looking forward to that. oh boy. we will be together for a week! then i go back to LA Jan 4th. And then I start school. oh man. this will be a crazy time, for sure.

so, as you can see, my life has been crazy. in 3 weeks, i will have spent time in 7 different states. whoa. but its so cool. i haven't been able to spend this much time with friends in other states since i was in college. its a blessing to be able to do all these things.

nothing profound. just my life right now. ok, bye.

november.

I just had coffee with a girl who goes to my church. She is so sweet. We have never really had deep discussions, so we shared stories. As I began to tell her my story - my life story, so it was long - i almost wept at what God has done in my life. The first time was when I was telling her when I first started to walk with the Lord. I am so undeserving of His pursuit of me, yet He chose me anyway. Its so beautiful. Then, as I reflected on New York (the first time), feeling called to East Asia, New York (the second time), my year in China/time spent in Thailand, my year in Charlotte, living in Arcadia, not to mention what He has done in me since moving to Simi Valley, i just felt...so overwhelmed. God is so good. I can't believe what He has done in my life, and I'm only 26! If this is what He can do now, I can't even imagine what is to come. I (and perhaps we, depending on who is reading this) serve such an incredible God. I don't understand it. I am such an adultress. I run to other lovers DAILY, when all the while He stands by offering me the true desire of my soul. His love for me makes no sense, but it is true. That i am certain of. While my love may be false and simply a facade, His love in never-changing, always there. It blows me away.

The past 2 months have been so sweet. Having time to fall deeper in love with my Creator has been such a gift. It is only through Him that I have the perspective that I do. I have seen Him do so many crazy things - from providing something as small as a study bible to providing a place where I can live rent-free. I am so undeserving, yet in His graciousness He has given me such things. He truly does know how to give good gifts to His children.

satisfaction.

In March of 2006, I began to fight a very long battle.

It was at this time that my faith was completely shaken. I was in China, as a missionary, to tell people about Jesus and the hope we have in Him, and I was completely unsure of what I believed. I began to question everything, and God began to show me that I had believed a false gospel my entire life. (in fact, He's still showing me that). I was completely stripped. What i had been clinging to was not the right thing. This left me in complete disarray. Put that with living in a completely different culture, and you've got a perfect recipe for depression :) I pushed through, cried out to God, but I knew God wasn't done with me, as much as I wished he would be.

So, in July of 2006, I found myself in Charlotte. it was glorious at first, being surrounded by so many good people and being HOME. But God still had work to do. I felt alone. SO alone. Its hard to explain how you can feel alone even though you are surrounded by so many people. I have never in my life felt so desperate. I felt abandoned. I even started seeing a Christian counselor, which was good. I wanted her to give me something to make me feel better. But she, like others, agreed that my issues were circumstantial. Charlotte was SO hard; in fact, only recently can I read my journal from that time. The last month there was beautiful, though. I had no job, no house...I spent an entire month with God. It was INCREDIBLE. I was so in love with Him, that nothing else mattered. There was no "life" to get in the way. It was a sweet time of fellowship that I don't think I'd ever had before, nor have i had since.

But it was time to go. So I moved again. It was SO from God. He confirmed that for me countless times as I prayed through it. Found myself in California. And it was so good, the newness of it all. But eventually i found...He wasn't done. He had to strip me, show me my idols. I began to see that at times I would stop at an oasis, but that the desert was still there.

And now, here I am, still in California. Things have changed. I've learned so much. God has done miraculous things in my heart. But He's not done. And that makes me feel crazy somedays. I just want relief. I beg God, please, give me relief. And He does, for a time. But He's not done. And MAN, is it hard. I have cried so many tears - of frustration, of sorrow, and sometimes of grief for the things that I have lost. But because He loves me, because He is relentless in His pursuit of me, He won't give up. And He is a JEALOUS God. He won't stand for other lovers. He knows that true love isn't always what we want - its what we need...

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt...And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." (Hosea 2)

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (John 12)

long time.

well, it has been a long time.  like 6 months.  i feel like i could say a lot.  i've learned a lot.  i'm living in simi valley.  again.  for another year.  i'm starting my third year in california.  that is completely bizarre to me.  i never thought i'd be here.  when i moved, i thought a year.  when i stayed, i figured just one more year.  and yet, here i am.  just existing.  

yet, i know my time here has purpose.  even though most days i can't see it.  i long with every fiber of my being to be back with elic.  although i know this is where i am supposed to be, sometimes i feel like i made the wrong choice.  my work there gave me purpose like no other.  like i have said many times, i loved my job as a sender.  i got up every morning ready to go to work because i LOVED it.  yesterday, i was looking at fair trade catalogs and cried.  poverty, spiritual and physical, breaks my heart.  and my job has so much potential to change that but i can't move forward with it.  so i sit, answering calls, looking at jewelry for old ladies, reading books that are lame, and becoming more and more disgusted with christian culture (seriously, if i see one more bible specifically designed for "god's little princess" i will throw up.)  i want to be in asia, but god is breaking my heart for what is right in front of me.  

but like i said, there is purpose.  i was talking with a friend about how life since moving to simi valley has been HARD. actually, since moving to CA, but even more so since i've moved here.  and i realized...we are part of something that satan is scared of - living BIBLICALLY.  living for the glory of god.  the thing about being the church instead of going to church is that it radically transforms lives.  hence the idea of not just community, but TRANSFORMATIVE community.  so, we should expect opposition.  instead we wonder why we struggle the way we do, with things we never have before.  its because we make satan nervous.  well we're not leaving so BOOYAH (thats one of my favorite words of the moment.  feel free to use it).

so, i'll leave with this: god is good.  and i'm learning, ever so slowly, to trust him.

blog.

here is my blog.

life is amazing.
God is good.

ok, bye.

contentment.

hello there.
recently, it has come to my attention that i am 25 and not married.


i know, you are thinking "oh, really? i'm surprised!" what i mean by that is that i am aware of that fact. prior to this realization, i thought "yeah i'm not married. whatever." but there is something about realizing where you thought you would be, and where you are. i honestly thought i'd be married by now. or at least dating someone on the path to marriage. yet, here i am. blogging about my singleness. HAHA. its weird, for some reason, i've had lots of books come accross my path about the nature of men and women, and our BIBLICAL roles. often, these biblical roles play out in natural ways. but i digress. its been really interesting. one thing that has really struck me is that, as a woman, i'm not designed to provide for myself. when you look at scripture, even when a woman was widowed, the community was to come alongside her and care for her. and yet, here i am, struggling each month to provide for myself.

i have no desire to climb the corporate ladder. what i want to do is teach preschool and/or be a wife and mother. i know i'm a good teacher, and i have hopes that i will be an excellent wife and mother. instead, i'm working in a corporate-type environment (but don't get paid corporate-type wages ha). i might have to share a room the next place i live in.

i kind of feel like my expectations have been shattered. at 25, i expected to at least have a job where i didn't scrape by every month. and be on the path to marriage. but none of those things are true. i feel like each step i take is a step backwards, not forwards. but on whose path? mine, or the Lord's? if i truly believe that He has good plans for me, then why am i fighting so hard againt where he has me? Paul's words really struck me this week:

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

I need to learn to be content. God has me in this place. And i don't want to miss his blessings because I'm too busy pining for what I don't have to see what is right in front of me. If I believe in God's goodness and sovreignty, then I need to live it.