The Imitaton of Christ

I've had The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis sitting on my bookshelf for a little over a year.  I pick it up from time to time, but haven't read through it b/c it was written in the 15th century.  Kind of heavy stuff.  I picked it up tonight, and found some of it to be quite profound.  Here are some of the things I'm chewing on right now:

"Faithful soul, prepare your heart for its spouse that He may come and dwell within you.  He says: 'If a man loves Me, he will keep My word...and We will come to him and make Our home with him.' Make room for Christ and deny entrance to everything else.  When you have Christ within you, you are rich and Christ is all you need.  He will prvide for you and faithfully supply you with all your needs, and you will not have to depend on men.  Men are fickle, remember, and change quite quickly, and even more quickly do they disappoint you; but Christ abides forever and stands firmly beside you unto the end."

"Put all your trust in God and let Him be your only love and fear only Him.  He will defend you and do what is best for you.  You have no lasting city here, and wherever you may be you are always a foreigner or a pilgrim and you will not rest until you are intimately united to Christ."

"Let your every thought be on God the Most High, and let your prayers be unceasing and directed to Christ.  If you do not know how to meditate on sublime and heavenly things, then find repose in Christ's passion and gladly dwell in His sacred wounds."

prayer.

i'm learning a lot about this subject.  part of it is explained in my last post...the idea that once i get what i want i don't pray about it,  then wonder why its not happening anymore.  i've been feeling..."distant" from the Lord lately.  i've been reading, thinking about God, but not really praying much.  When i first got to CA, i spent so much sweet time with the Lord, just enjoying Him.  I continually prayed "Lord, make me desperate" and He so kindly answered that.  So I stopped praying that prayer.  And tonight, with so much free time before me, I wonder why my first thought was not "mmmm time with Jesus!"  It was...I want a nap (I'm sick so thats kind of an excuse).  I realized I had not prayed for the Lord to make me desperate for Him in quite some time.  So I did.  Its funny, we have this idea that when we feel "distant" from God we just have to keep plugging away at our routine.  How about praying that we would desire Him more?  We pray for God to make Himself known, but don't pray that He would give us a heart that yearns for Him.  I think because that seems like something we do that we don't pray, b/c it seems only logical that we should muster that up ourselves.  Hmm.  This will probably go further I just can't think past this point right now.

Interestingly enough, March is a month of prayer at Cornerstone.  I'm truly excited about this.  We got a calendar and booklet on prayer Sunday, and I think its going to be a good month.  Francis had us be silent for like 5 minutes on Sunday.  For those of you who know me well, that was torture.  Because even when I'm not talking out loud, my mind is running constantly.  Its funny b/c in my last one-on-one meeting with my boss, she also had me sit in silence for a bit.  I think the Lord is trying to tell me something.

seriously. wow.

 my friend emily calls me.  says that earlier she was eating at a vietnamese restaurant, one that we ate at when i was going to vietnam earlier last year.  she was telling someone about me, that i had planned to go, and they said they didn't know that.  her response was "she'll be there soon."  then she comes home and reads my blog.  !!!  really?  

also, something i realized.  right now i am so enjoying the practice of dicipline.  its so good.  i am working out, waking up early to spend time with the lord, being diligent and faithful with the tasks i have at work.  i often have these times where i just am really..."together".  and i directly attribute it to the fact that i've been praying "god, give me strength to do this things.  help me be diciplined".  but usually what happens is a month from now i'm not doing any of these things.  and i had the realization as i was leaving the gym today that this usually occurs when i stop praying for the lord to help me.  its like i somehow think that i just need a little shove from god and then i'll just do it on my own.  but the fact is, i don't want to do any of these things!  its only by his goodness that he helps me do them, because my desire is to please god by spending time with him and being faithful with what he has given me (my time, my money, my body, ect).  so, my resolve is to not stop praying.  to realize that god is not just some thing that gives me a kick-start so i can be diciplined.  this is going somewhere i just don't want to process anymore.  on the internet.

also, i love this song right now.  "everything" by tim hughs.  get it.

God in my living  

There in my breathing 

God in my waking 

God in my sleeping  

God in my resting

 There in my working

 God in my thinking 

God in my speaking  

Be my everything 

Be my everything 

Be my everything 

Be my everything  

God in my hoping 

There in my dreaming 

God in my watching

 God in my waiting  

God in my laughing 

There in my weeping

 God in my hurting 

God in my healing  

Christ in me 

Christ in me 

Christ in me the hope of glory 

You are everything  

Christ in me 

Christ in me 

Christ in me the hope of glory

 Be my everything

oh my gahhh

i need to go to vietnam. immediately.

this morning, i walked in and had a postcard from my dear friend, valerie dolby, who is still in China. she wrote some stuff and then told me she had a vision of me serving in vietnam. i promptly started crying. then we watched a dvd this year's vietnam team made for potential applicants, and i almost started crying again.

this is so hard. being here is bittersweet. i know its where i'm supposed to be right now. completely. at the same time, i long to be there. the only way i can explain a love for a place that i've never been in the lord.

so, in all seriousness, i really want to make a trip there. i don't know how b/c i'm so poor but i want to go just for a week or something. i know i want to serve there long term, but i want to go just to see it.

ahhhhhhhhh.

oh.

so, i just got back from virginia.  every time i go out of town for work, its...an interesting experience. it becomes less discouraging each time i go, but nontheless, still discouraging.  anyway, i realized after this trip that i REALLY thrive off routine.  when i have steps to follow, when i know my hours are 8-5.  i am flexible in some ways, but...really i'm not.  i think it comes down to my desire to be in control.  if i know what/when/where/how/why, then i'm good to go.  but when  i don't know all those things, i freak out and fall apart (ok i'm being kind of dramatic.  shocking, i know.)  But I just don't feel happy, normal, or myself.  I feel super tired...all week I was drained and then didn't sleep well.  jet lag I guess.

This concerns me.  I don't want to be in control of my life.  The minute I think I've let go I realize the extent of the grip I have on my life.  Its really tight.  I like to say that my grip has loosened, and maybe it has...but i still have so many areas, even day to day small things, that i have yet to surrender to the Lord, even realize need to be surrendered.  

On a totally different note, today is the day I've been looking forward to since December 2nd of last year...the presidents day party.  oh MAN.  this is going to be hilarious.  Here's my inspiration:

hahah.  wow.  i can't even handle how awesome this will be.

goodbye.

i miss china?

today, i had the chance to hear brother yun, aka "the heavenly man" speak at ihop (not the restaurant, the international house of prayer in kansas city). i read his book last year and it was incredible. his story reads like modern-day acts. absolutely amazing.

anyway, they brought this old man up from the church who has been a part of ihop for 22 years, and was also imprisioned during the cultural revolution for refusing to deny jesus. he prayed for brother yun (in chinese) and you could hear the emotion in his voice. it nearly brought me to tears. there is so much happening in china. sometimes, i really want to be back, and yet...i know i'm not called back there (for now).

one thing he said really stood out to me. he said "jesus did not say 'i'm departing, so i'm going to throw down this bible from heaven.' he said 'i'm going to give you my holy spirit'". that really made me think. please, do not misunderstand me. i believe that the bible is so important, and is a divine book that God in His goodness has provided for us. Its how we know the character of Christ. But...God operates outside of that. When the Cultural Revolution hit China, all the bibles were burned, the missionaries and pastors were expelled, and churches were forced to shut their doors. And you know what happened? The church EXPLODED. Brother Yun was a product of that. I've never seen a person more dedicated to sharing the gospel, of seeing God's truth go forth.

i dunno. lately i've noticed that i spend so much time talking about how wrong the church is, but where does that leave me?  pretty much bitter and prideful. thats not a biblical attitude.  i want to spend more loving and less time looking for problems.  

mmmmm.

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
9 They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10 They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.
11 But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God's name will praise him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.



Romans 5:1-5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.



2 Corinthians 1:8-9

8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.



Psalm 3:3

But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.



"God is more interested in the character of His people than in quick or easy victories" - Rob Devens



Just this morning, this is what has flooded my mind. God is so faithful. And so good. I'm just in awe and more in love with each day. I just feel like I could explode with all the things I have in me right now. I just want to tell everyone around me. I feel like every Monday I'm like "Oh man yesterday's sermon was so good!" but its true! Yesterday, Todd (not my best friend b/c his voice is creepy sometimes but thats ok) spoke about the necessity of pain in regards to spiritual maturity, and he kept saying over and over that anything that happens is for God's glory and our good. Its so true. And I'm so encouraged by that. God holds every single second of my life in His hands. He truly will work everything for the good of those who love him and are called according to HIS purpose (Romans 8). Man, God is GOOD.