sometimes, the message is good.

"how can a young person live a clean life? by carefully reading the map of your word. i'm single-minded in pursuit of you" psalm 119:9-10

it's "spider season" in california.

Big Spider

watch out.

also, this is one of my favorite "unnecessary" quotation mark pictures. (from the blog on the right):


lastly, here is an example of why my job is pure comedy:

the deodorant was USED. it has since met its demise in the trashcan.

love. love love love LOVE.

man, tonight has been good.  God is good, and i feel like i've seen his faithfulness so clearly.  today so many people have been united in prayer for a friend, and it was so cool to see God answer those prayers.  

secondly, i've spent the evening alone, seeking the lord in the word, in prayer, and in reading Francis's book. (go get it on thursday!!).  the chapter i read tonight was "when you're in love" and it reminded me of the sermon series "I'm in Love", which is essentially why i'm in CA now. (i want to post it but its too big!!  man.  you can go get it off itunes.  cornerstone simi)  That series pushed me  and challenged me to love God is ways i had never been challenged before, mostly because i was looking to God's word as a means of comfort for me instead of a "radical" (i put it in quotes because its really not) series of writings that tell me to pursue God above all else.

anyway, this chapter has brought me back to that place.  i will always, always, always fall short of loving God the way I should.  and while usually this thought discourages me, because all i see is how i fall short, i feel so comforted by that right now.  that despite that, god still wants me.  and i will fight to love him, but with the knowledge that he is god and i am not.  that i will never be perfected until i see him face to face.

but oh, how i long to love like christ loves!  its in me.  but the issue is not whether i long to be like christ to my neighbors.  its what do i do with that longing.  i need to love god and love others, exactly what the song above says.  true religion is caring for the widows and orphans, as james says.  so what if i feel like i don't have money to cover all my bills?  god has a plan, and i have to trust in that.  i want to live like a christian, not someone who wants christ for their own benefit.  

one quote he had in his book was so convicting, from john piper. it basically asked the question if you knew heaven was a place where you'd have all your friends and family, life was perfect, you'd have all your favorite pleasures in life, there would be no suffering...would you still want to go there if it meant you were apart from christ?

WOW that was challenging to me.  it made me stop for a minute and think...why am I a christian?  do i follow christ simply because he's worthy?  or so i won't go to hell?  i pray it is the former, that i love Christ because He is worthy of my love. 

man, i'm so excited right now.  god is so good.  and i know i only love him because he puts that love in me.  i love that he loves me.  

beauty and women.

*just as a warning, this is me processing thoughts that have come to me today, and they aren't backed up with scripture. its pure processing. if you would like to add scripture to back up/refute any point, be my guest :)*

so, i have had all these random thoughts today. this morning, i thought about the concept of beauty. what it is, but more what it means to me as a woman. when you think about many women in the old testament, they did do things to make themselves more lovely. i mean, obviously, true beauty is from within. honestly. i feel like some of the most BEAUTIFUL women i know don't wear makeup or spend hours in front of the mirror. they have this incredible joy for life that just makes them so...lovely.
but, what i'm wondering, is, when we (as women) don't take care of ourselves, are we lessening how we were created? (i don't have scripture or anything like that to back this up). i mean, we were created as beautiful. so, shouldn't i take pride in that? not in an inapproriate way, but i shouldn't hide how god created me, either. i just see so many women who dress in potato sacks and its like...no, its not about the outside. i don't know. i don't mean this in a judgemental way.

secondly, i did an informal poll at work today at women's roles in the church, and whether they should preach. let me say that i do not believe women should preach. funny though, both men said no, all the women said yes. interesting. i feel like whenever i have tried to lead men (like in a small group setting), it has turned out horribly. because as a leader, i have an agenda. and i often experienced men attempting to lead. it was frustrating for me at the time, but i now see how i actually was taking away from their role as men. i don't want to be a hinderance to that, you know? i feel like there are so few men who are true men because women take over roles that were not intended for them, but for men. does that make sense?

anyway, these are my thoughts. i think they will go somewhere eventually.
the end.

I LOVE JESUS.

i've been going through the gospels (well ok, i'm only on matthew 8, but this is like the 3rd time in the past 12 months that i've gone through them), and Jesus is just...wow. His words are so encouraging and convicting. The words of Jesus just blow my mind, and make me want to follow Him even more.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34)

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. (Matthew 7:7-14)

more.

its 1:40 AM.  i woke up about an hour ago, and have been unable to fall asleep.  there are so many things running through my mind right now.  i don't even know what to do or what to say.

last night at church, Francis had us stop and ask God, "what do you want me to do this week/in 2008?"  i got nothing specific like "go hold babies in africa" (sadly...thats what i'd love to hear, honestly).  i got "love more.  serve more.  give more."  the concept of "more" has been very prevalent in my life lately. pray more, seek more, do more.  and while that is exciting...

i don't want to.  right now, i'm loving at a level that is very uncomfortable.  most of my relationships make me want to run at the moment because they are very difficult.  i feel exhausted from the amount i'm giving out, whether its through my job or just generally. and i'm like, "God, you want MORE?  i feel like i'm dying already!"  and maybe i feel exhausted b/c i'm loving out of my own strength.  i don't know, honestly.  i don't feel encouraged.  i feel like i'm just giving, giving, giving.  maybe thats why the lord chose to encourage me last week, because he knew i'd be met with the opposite the very next day.

i feel like there's so much i could say, except it would be complaining and not uplifting.  i am just really wrestling with what to do at this point with certain situations in my life.  i don't know where to go, who to place myself around, what my role is in terms of community, what my job should be. 

i think i'm too stressed.  maybe i should pray instead of writing a blog.  ok bye.

so encouraged.

god knows me so well. he knows exactly what i need, and when i needed. this week has been the most encouraging week that i have had in a long time.
i feel like i have this renewed fire in me. the passion that i have sought is there. i have chosen to take my eyes off my self, and focus on Christ. and it has made such a difference. last week, praying for the Lord to search me and know me was something i only did half-heartedly. this morning when i prayed that, i wanted that. i truly, truly wanted the Lord to search me, know me, and point out any offensive way in me. and as i asked that, i kind of got a little teary, not because i was sad, but i was full of joy!
the lord's pursuit of me is so sweet! only he would bring me to joyful tears because he is making me more like him. when i stop trying to die to myself, and come to the realization that the power to crucify the flesh COMES from Him, it happens! its such a beautiful thing.
i love submitting to the Lord. i really do. when i really FIX my eyes on Him, on things that are eternal, why wouldn't i submit to Him?
mmmmm.
the end.

As I pray and wait upon the Lord
I know Your grace and love I am restored
As I think of all You've done for me
The mystery of Your love


Who walked upon the sea
Who lived to die for me
You Lord, You Lord
You Lord, Lord


As I look upon You I am changed
And though I fail, Your faithful love remains
As I sing and worship You 
I find again no words describe Your love


Who watches over me
Whose love has covered me
You Lord, You Lord
You Lord, Lord


Hallelujah Almighty One
There is none like You

(Hillsong United - "You")

At Work.

1. i made some oatmeal. there was a leaf in it. ??? so i put it to the side. but then...i accidentally ate it.
2. i had 151 spam e-mails in my inbox. they keep coming, and one i just got has the title of "THE BIGGEST BUTT!!" no thank you.
3. Yesterdy at work, Ryan and I went to the other building for lunch, b/c we hear its always a "treat". We discussed topics such as the origin of the donut, and...actually I don't know what else we talked about. But it was a "heated" conversation. In case you were wondering, donuts came from the Dutch (who also gave us delicious pastries. and, as laura pointed out, the dutch oven.) or the southwest.

Man, this place is ridiculous.

1. Sometimes, i eat strawberries without washing them.
B. My current breakfast cereal is described as "applicious" and "outrageously oaty" (no, its not apple jacks...unfortunately)
III. I love Francis Chan. Everyone needs to get his book Crazy Love on May 1st b/c it will blow your mind. Seriously.

Lastly, I love Psalm 139 right now. Actually, I'm loving scripture. I love how God does that...make me love something that is sometimes confusing and often painful and means I have to change.

You know, that was going to be it, but...actually let me just say something else. I have been really down lately. To the point where other people can see it. It cooresponded with a few things, but mostly that I was relying on myself, and not spending time with the Lord. I have been chasing after, as John Piper calls them, "plastic jewels". And then last night, I spent some good time with Him. Asked myself hard questions. Prayed. I prayed on the way to work this morning. And what do you know, my outlook on today is SO different than it was from yesterday. Not that I seek God for my own gain, but when I am in tune with him, life is sweeter. None of my circumstances changed, but when I FIX MY EYES ON HIM, thats all I see.
And He's beautiful. And the only thing worth fixing my gaze upon.

Mmmmmm!! So good.

i got a hair cut.

its pretty short.

its not exactly what i asked for.

apparently, its normal to pay $35 to someone who hasn't cut hair in a while.  and take demands from some lady who tells me "i'm not going to do what you asked for.  i'm going to give you a bob."  oh, ok.

its not a bad haircut. i just look like a housewife.  ew.

also, trader joe's has delicious yellow curry sauce.

the end.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. (john 12:24-25)

Man that is good! In death there is LIFE. The things God is doing in my own heart are very painful; death does not feel good! Ha. But that verse gives me so much hope! He must become greater, and I must become less.