ha.

i was told that i could leave at 4 PM today. had i known that beforehand, i would not have carpooled today HA.

my boss told me i could just read. so i have my bible, total church, and a pen handy :) its quiet and i will (hopefully) not be interrupted.

tomorrow, 3 of my favorite people from charlotte arrive. and we will eat turkey. and don't worry, i won't burn it. i am cooking for 7 people, 5 of them boys. what a hilarious thanksgiving. but it sure does feel like family :)

i really am SO thankful. its really crazy. god has given me so much to be thankful for...its amazing. if i started a list it would be a mile long. but God has been truly good to me. So much has happened over the past year, and I'm so grateful for each step of the journey.

Let the holidays begin :)

my heart feels alive.

i am so thankful.

its crazy. i love my charlotte family. so much. but then, i was talking with a friend, and it just struck me...i need to be grateful. i have been given so much here. i am really, truly loved. and there is no selfishness in it. it is so good and pure and christ-like.

i am so so so thankful. i have amazing people here who do not let me sit in my sin. sure, my friendships are sometimes hard and uncomfortable. but thats what purshes me towards Christ, towards holiness. thats what life is about. to live is christ, to die is gain. i want everything i say and do, and the relationships that i have, to reflect that verse.

god is amazing. i am so in love with him. mmmmmmmm!

dear charlotte,

a letter to charlotte and the amazing people it containted, both past and present.

dear charlotte,
i first want to say, that i'm sorry i hated you that one time. you know, when i lived there? i see how dumb that was. for some reason, you somehow brought the most amazing people ever created and threw them all together for one glorious year. then, we all had to leave. its sad, really. together, we are a big giant group of love, sunshine, and happiness. its so true, charlotte, that you don't know what you have until its gone (sorry, i just couldn't bring myself to type with such poor grammar).

i'm so glad you have an airport, so that i could fly and visit those amazing people. you also have a nice skyline that seems to grow wider and taller each time i visit you. its funny, charlotte. i live in los angeles, where many people come to pursue their dreams. but me? i'd rather be with you, as long as you bring all the amazing people back from their corners - nashville, philadelphia, raleigh, etc. also, your leaves are quite nice this time of year.

charlotte, thank you for letting me live on your crazy streets. i miss them a lot. even the ones that don't make sense.

love,
lindsey


ok, letter done. let me just say, that i miss charlotte so much. its CRAZY to me that i have lived in CA for longer than i lived in charlotte, yet that place (or really those people) still have my heart like no one else. i have not found that here yet. the people here are different - in a good way, but just different. i have never felt so comfortable and free to be myself. gosh, i miss all those people. teddy, chris, hailey, angela, manda, ginny, tim, peter, kelly, joel, staci, audrey...i know i left people off this list, but MAN. i love these people so much. i know my place is here, but my heart is not. i forgot what it was like to be so loved. to not have to fight so hard for my friendships. to not have to constantly be working on them...and just BE. enjoy life. dance like there is no tomorrow, and not care if you look idiotic. i forgot that. i think i've spent too much time trying here.

so, maybe i'll stop. and just be myself. what a novel idea.

choosing the eternal at the expense of the temporary.

2 Corinthians 5

The Temporal and Eternal

1For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
2For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven,
3inasmuch as we, having put it on, will not be found naked.
4For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life.
5Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge.
6Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord--
7for we walk by faith, not by sight--
8we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.
9Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.
10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.
11Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade men, but we are made manifest to God; and I hope that we are made manifest also in your consciences.
12We are not again commending ourselves to you but are giving you an occasion to be proud of us, so that you will have an answer for those who take pride in appearance and not in heart.
13For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you.
14For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died;
15and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.
16Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him in this way no longer.
17Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
18Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,
19namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.
20Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
21He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

no time.

there is so much i could say. but here is something.

a. GOD IS GOOD.
b. honesty is awesome.

god is doing such a crazy work in my heart. its honestly so painful because its a deep, deep issue that he is showing me. i've never seen how utterly sinful i am in such a clear way. there is so much gross stuff in my heart. there is a root...of pride, insecurity, fear of man...its so deep. it hurts god, me, and others. and God is pulling it out. i don't like it because it hurts. a lot. but oh, how i long to be like Christ, and give Him His rightful place on the throne of my heart.

I have so many idols, mostly centered around people. But I don't want to esteem or give value to anyone above CHRIST. When He commands us to have no other gods before Him, His two reasons are 1. I am the Lord and 2. I have redeemed you. How can I have any gods before Him? He is worthy of my whole-hearted devotion simply because He is.

So that is what is going on in my life. Pulling out the weeds instead of just pulling the tops off. Getting to the core of an issue, as part of the process. Submitting to the process with joy. Delighting in God and His love for me. Falling in love with Christ and His creation. Pursuing the Holy Spirit and His path for me instead of my own comfort.

Boy, thats a lot.

OK, bye.

the end.

today, i'm leaving my precious CTFers in the hands of their team leaders, for good. i had no idea how difficult this would be! a year of work has come to this point. they are all here, interacting in their teams, begining to grow together. its beautiful. and so hard! because i don't get to go with them. i love being a sender. its SUCH a blessing. its not just something i say. my job has been so incredible this past year. its been hard and draining at times, but at the same time it has been the most amazing experience - professionally, spiritually, emotionally, relationally - just amazing.

but today, its done. my year with ELIC is essentially over. its a sobering thought. i can't believe its already here. i wish time didn't pass so quickly sometimes.

now, i'm moving forward. moving into the unexpected. changing jobs, one that i'm excited and terrified about. i've prayed that God would make me dependent on Him, and He has answered that prayer a lot. sometimes, i think...why would i pray that? but, its so good. i'm so excited about what is to come. scared, but excited. i've moved to a new place. my community is changing. god is changing me. its almost overwhelming.

and yet, there is peace. peace that i sometimes have to fight for. but its there. i know this is what i need to be doing. and i know that whatever is ahead, it is better than what is behind.

just for the record,

being 25 is weird. welcome to my quarter-life crisis.

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

You make all things new

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

lately.

i had some thoughts this morning at 5 AM.

-obedience to God' word and abiding in Christ go hand-in-hand.

-how can I hear the voice of the Holy Spirit if I'm not listening?

remember, its a process.

so, today, not unlike other days, i have felt so defeated. defeated because i feel victorious one day and seemingly never had victory the next day. because i see how sinful i really am and i feel like i will never move forward. because i focus on the sin instead of the risen Christ that enables me to be more than a conquerer.

but then a good friend reminded me today - loving God is a PROCESS. we are not sanctified once, we are continually being sanctified. its something we experience day by day, moment by moment. i need to have enough grace for myself to let God finish the work He started in me, which will happen for the rest of my earthly life, until I meet him face to face.

and that is a beautiful thought. thank you, jesus, for using your servants to speak truth.

seriously.

ummm i keep hearing about the same thing over and over again.  

weird.

i think change is on the horizon.

accepting the imperfections.

so. let me share an insecurity of mine that, to most, seems silly, but to me, is actually serious.



i have this tooth, you see. and when i was younger, i hit it, and had to have a root canal. now its grey. and i HATE it. its in the front, so you can see it when i smile. everytime i smile in a picture, i see it. and i cringe. no one else really sees it. but i do. and it SERIOUSLY bothers me. it makes me feel hideous. its like this glaring imperfection that i wish i didn't have.

today, i went to the beach with some friends. one of them took some photos of me. one i really really liked...except for THE TOOTH. always getting in the way. but i looked at it, and for some reason today, i almost liked that tooth. its an imperfection. its a flaw. but...its mine. and instead of hiding that i'm flawed and imperfect, always trying to cover up reality, i decided to share that picture with the world.



this is what i'm learning right now. to accept that i am flawed. to recognize that in my humanity. to admit to God, myself, and others that i am, in fact, totally depraved, but that by His grace, I have been redeemed.

i am imperfect.

and i'm ok with that.

no k.

"God Wants Me To Be Rich"

um

hi. i would just like the world to know that, while at first my iPhone was just pretty cool, the new software update makes it awesome. I now have internet radio, a chinese phrasebook, a bible search tool, and sweet games on my phone; in addition, i can text in many languages, most notably chinese and japanese. in conclusion, this phone is ridiculously amazing.

goodbye.

jammin.

here are some thoughts.

1. www.hungry-girl.com is a GREAT website if you want to eat healthy. i just bought her cookbook and i am super excited about it. on a related note, i have decided never to ingest fried foods again, as the last time i did (read: this weekend) i became quite ill. not worth it.

2. i really love music that makes me dancceee. we are listening to chromeo in our office right now (obv. it makes me productive?) and it is sweet. plus, the songs have titles like "tenderoni". pure comedy.

3. i can't stop reading Colossians. i've read it probably 6 times in the past few weeks and its amazing.

4. i have said it once, but i'll say it again: A.W. Tozer is BRILLIANT. i'm reading Keys to the Deeper Life and its blowing my mind.

5. oh, also, i'm 1/4 of a century. bring on the quarter-life crisis.

6. i miss my BFF. mostly because i love her and she is amazing.

7. i would like some cheez-its.

8. ok, bye.

this.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

the deodorant aisle.

i'm going to let you in on a little secret (no, that was not a pun).

i really hate the deodorant aisle.

there really shouldn't be so many choices.  the thing is, every time i buy deodorant, i'm usually not satisfied.  so when it comes time for a new stick, i want something different.  its not like shampoo where you can go with what worked.  it never works/smells like you had hoped.  for instance, i've been on a lavender kick, so i bought french lavender scent last time. note to secret: lavender does not smell like fruit.  but i digress.

there is too much to process. do i want clear?  soft solid?  clear soft solid?  regular stick? all-natural?  with baking soda?  prescription strength?  and thats not even counting the smells.  do i want fruit or flower?  certainly not powder. EW. (ps.  who in the world thought "hey i know of a good deodorant smell - vanilla chai!"  seriously?). 

i also saw this stick that is a crystal that you can use on your armpits or your feet (what?  who would do that?) and it promises to get rid of odor, and last for a year.  tempting, but no thanks.

my dream?  that body odor was not a reality.  then i wouldn't have to buy deodorant, and be faced with the overwhelming task of choosing the "right" one, only to have to do it all over again 3 months later.

the end.

encouraged by love.

today, as i was meeting with my boss, i just felt overwhelmed with love for God.  and not because of any particular thing thats going on, or anything i'm learning or whatever.  i just felt so...full of gratitude, and just really thankful for everything.  particularly the people i have in my life.  

so many of my friends this week have randomly decided to tell me that they care for me.  to be honest, its hard for me to hear/accept what they say.  because i'm so hard on myself all the time, rarely do i think that i'm worth loving (which is horrifying, i know, and one of the lies that i am diligently battling!).  but this week, hearing those words, they just made me cry, because what they say of me pales in comparison to the love God has for me.  

in addition, there are certain friends i have that make me want to love jesus more.  seeing how my friends make decisions, how they shun the ways of the world in pursuit of christ just blows me away.  i just feel so incredibly blessed to have friends that are little reflections of jesus.  

man, being a follower of christ is great.  even when life gets hard, or i have to deny myself, without hope in jesus, my life has no meaning.  i'm so thankful that He loves me. 

:)

the perfect day.

talking with my best friend this morning, i realized how much i have changed.

god has somehow done the miraculous in my heart and enabled me to ENJOY being alone.  imagine that.  

this weekend, my house has been quiet.  just me, a good book, a coffee pot...it has been so good.  this morning, i went for a run, watered the flowers, sat on my patio eating strawberries.  and it was literally the most perfect morning.  the sun is shining and the sky is blue.  and i played my guitar and sang some songs in chinese, and it was so great.  i don't even speak chinese!  but it made my heart so happy.  and my coffee mug had white polka dots.  bonus.  seriously, that is what makes a day perfect...when it starts out like that, and ends with good friends.  

i love my life.  i am so blessed.  not because i have stuff. but because He has rescued me from darkness and brought me into Glorious Light.  mmmmmmm!  

i am happy :)

a week of silence (kind of).

*i am a verbal processor.  i have not been able to verbally process.  so here it is.  and it might not make sense.  ready, set, go*

recently, god has been doing a lot in my life, blessing me in extraordinary ways even when it wouldn't make sense (isn't that always the case?).  anyway, its been so good.  but yet... there was an unsettled feeling in my heart, until i realized that i had forgotten something so basic - to truly treasure jesus.  instead, people (in general) had become a sort of idol - my relationships had take the place of the the most important relationship - with God.  

so, i turned off my phone on tuesday (its still off and will remain that way til sunday).  its been interesting.  the thing is, i still have been surrounded by people.  i just haven't been texting/talking all day.  i did have IM on the first two days, but was informed that was cheating (to be fair, i did not IM anyone else.  so at least that's something. ha).  i think the real test will be tomorrow/saturday, when i will be in simi w/ no roommates, and no internet, and no phone... strangely enough, i'm looking forward to it.  to be truly alone with god, without interruption/distraction.  it will likely be difficult for me, but i am at a place where i just want jesus.

it sickens me to think that i have let the idea that god is not enough creep into my thought patterns.  He IS enough.  interesting note, i borrowed The Weight of Glory about two months ago from a friend and never cracked it open, and then picked it up Tuesday.  Basically the entire first chapter is about how the longings we try and fulfill in things of this world are ultimately met in Christ.  I love this quote:

we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  we are far too easily pleased.

isn't that so true?  why do i look to things of this world, even people, to fulfill desires and longings that will never met fully met outside of Christ?  this world is so temporary, the pleasure and the pain, so why do i focus on these fleeting things instead of looking to the One who was, and is, and is to come?

what a treasure you are, o victorious one.

what a treasure you are, o risen one.

prayer is good on multiple levels.

so, today, i was in a terrible, terrible funk.  so much so that i couldn't get out of bed this morning and took a personal day.  i just wanted to cry, and complain about my amazing life.  real productive.  to be honest, i've been in this funk for about a week...2 if you count the week i was sick.  anyway, today two things happened.  one of my new roommates had something difficult happen to her today, and so i prayed for her.  and you know what happened?  my own heart felt lighter.  isn't that funny!  when i stop thinking about myself, and fix my eyes and Christ and how He moves in the lives of those around me, my perspective changes.  it happened again when i talked to my "brother" (in quotes because we aren't related by blood, but pretty much should be), and he told me some stuff going on in his life that made me cry, so i prayed for him too and it was like...oh YEAH.  God IS good.  God IS sovreign, and He knows what He's doing.  

So, if you are in a funk, go pray for someone else.  Its miraculous what happens.

And in case you have forgotten this verse, let me remind you of it:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

my heart hurts.

I read world news on a daily basis, just to keep up with what is going on...mostly Asian news, but I try to keep in general. The headlines this week are: 12,00 people dead in China. 100,000 dead in Myanmar. Rebels dropping bombs on schools in Dafur. Bombs in India. It breaks my heart. What am I supposed to do?
After reading a recent article about the situation in Myanmar, i read this quote:

"The UN said child traffickers are targeting the youngest and most vulnerable survivors of the catastrophe, and that two suspects have already been arrested after trying to recruit children at a relief camp."

I almost lost it at work. It is SO hard for me to read stuff like this. Burmese children are some of the most trafficked, and now with all that has happened in that country, they are even more at risk. As if 100,000 people dead and another 1.5 million homeless and starving wasn't enough, children are even more at risk than they already were. I feel just completely helpless. I don't know what I can give. And its like...giving anything to Myanmar doesn't mean that the people will get it. They are eating moldy rice even though aid has been recieved!

What can I do? I feel like prayer isn't enough. But it IS. It is a powerful weapon And I take comfort (somewhat) in the fact the organizations like Gospel For Asia have nationals in Burma, who are Christians, who are being mobilized. I just am realizing (again) the magnitude of what I have been given, as an American...and I don't want to waste it. God has given me so much, and instead of using it just to bless myself, I want to bless others. I can't even imagine what life is like in extreme poverty. I've never (other than voluntarily) had to go w/o food, or shelter, or clean drinking water. I can't even IMAGINE what that's like.

The point is: we need to pray.

man

god is so good.

and faithful.

and it blows my mind how often i forget that.  and how despite that i act like he isn't big enough, he loves me enough to prove me wrong every time.

mmmm mmmm!

i hate being sick.

the title says it all.

being hidden

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." -Elisabeth Elliot, Passion & Purity

i've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. not because i'm dwelling a ton on being single (although what single woman doesn't think about it from time to time). but, i really do desire to be hidden in Christ. i don't want to attract anyone because of anything other than Christ. thats what i want to be attractive to others. being hidden in christ has been my biggest prayer lately. its funny because my boss has really prayed that a lot over me, just the idea that i'm like a garden that is hedged in.
i really desire that. to be truly HIDDEN in Christ. if the Lord has a husband for me, i pray that it is only through pursuing Christ that He would find me. i don't want anything less than that.

more work shenanigans

left on the "free table". gee, i think i'll try one.

AMAZING

i have hilarious friends. i laughed so hard last night. you know how sometimes you just need a night where the laughter is just unending? that was last night. i'm glad god created humor and funniness. thats not even a word. i'm also glad he created cats. not because i really like cats, but because they really provide unending humor.
i also like mustaches.
the end.

sometimes, the message is good.

"how can a young person live a clean life? by carefully reading the map of your word. i'm single-minded in pursuit of you" psalm 119:9-10

it's "spider season" in california.

Big Spider

watch out.

also, this is one of my favorite "unnecessary" quotation mark pictures. (from the blog on the right):


lastly, here is an example of why my job is pure comedy:

the deodorant was USED. it has since met its demise in the trashcan.

love. love love love LOVE.

man, tonight has been good.  God is good, and i feel like i've seen his faithfulness so clearly.  today so many people have been united in prayer for a friend, and it was so cool to see God answer those prayers.  

secondly, i've spent the evening alone, seeking the lord in the word, in prayer, and in reading Francis's book. (go get it on thursday!!).  the chapter i read tonight was "when you're in love" and it reminded me of the sermon series "I'm in Love", which is essentially why i'm in CA now. (i want to post it but its too big!!  man.  you can go get it off itunes.  cornerstone simi)  That series pushed me  and challenged me to love God is ways i had never been challenged before, mostly because i was looking to God's word as a means of comfort for me instead of a "radical" (i put it in quotes because its really not) series of writings that tell me to pursue God above all else.

anyway, this chapter has brought me back to that place.  i will always, always, always fall short of loving God the way I should.  and while usually this thought discourages me, because all i see is how i fall short, i feel so comforted by that right now.  that despite that, god still wants me.  and i will fight to love him, but with the knowledge that he is god and i am not.  that i will never be perfected until i see him face to face.

but oh, how i long to love like christ loves!  its in me.  but the issue is not whether i long to be like christ to my neighbors.  its what do i do with that longing.  i need to love god and love others, exactly what the song above says.  true religion is caring for the widows and orphans, as james says.  so what if i feel like i don't have money to cover all my bills?  god has a plan, and i have to trust in that.  i want to live like a christian, not someone who wants christ for their own benefit.  

one quote he had in his book was so convicting, from john piper. it basically asked the question if you knew heaven was a place where you'd have all your friends and family, life was perfect, you'd have all your favorite pleasures in life, there would be no suffering...would you still want to go there if it meant you were apart from christ?

WOW that was challenging to me.  it made me stop for a minute and think...why am I a christian?  do i follow christ simply because he's worthy?  or so i won't go to hell?  i pray it is the former, that i love Christ because He is worthy of my love. 

man, i'm so excited right now.  god is so good.  and i know i only love him because he puts that love in me.  i love that he loves me.  

beauty and women.

*just as a warning, this is me processing thoughts that have come to me today, and they aren't backed up with scripture. its pure processing. if you would like to add scripture to back up/refute any point, be my guest :)*

so, i have had all these random thoughts today. this morning, i thought about the concept of beauty. what it is, but more what it means to me as a woman. when you think about many women in the old testament, they did do things to make themselves more lovely. i mean, obviously, true beauty is from within. honestly. i feel like some of the most BEAUTIFUL women i know don't wear makeup or spend hours in front of the mirror. they have this incredible joy for life that just makes them so...lovely.
but, what i'm wondering, is, when we (as women) don't take care of ourselves, are we lessening how we were created? (i don't have scripture or anything like that to back this up). i mean, we were created as beautiful. so, shouldn't i take pride in that? not in an inapproriate way, but i shouldn't hide how god created me, either. i just see so many women who dress in potato sacks and its like...no, its not about the outside. i don't know. i don't mean this in a judgemental way.

secondly, i did an informal poll at work today at women's roles in the church, and whether they should preach. let me say that i do not believe women should preach. funny though, both men said no, all the women said yes. interesting. i feel like whenever i have tried to lead men (like in a small group setting), it has turned out horribly. because as a leader, i have an agenda. and i often experienced men attempting to lead. it was frustrating for me at the time, but i now see how i actually was taking away from their role as men. i don't want to be a hinderance to that, you know? i feel like there are so few men who are true men because women take over roles that were not intended for them, but for men. does that make sense?

anyway, these are my thoughts. i think they will go somewhere eventually.
the end.

I LOVE JESUS.

i've been going through the gospels (well ok, i'm only on matthew 8, but this is like the 3rd time in the past 12 months that i've gone through them), and Jesus is just...wow. His words are so encouraging and convicting. The words of Jesus just blow my mind, and make me want to follow Him even more.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34)

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. (Matthew 7:7-14)

more.

its 1:40 AM.  i woke up about an hour ago, and have been unable to fall asleep.  there are so many things running through my mind right now.  i don't even know what to do or what to say.

last night at church, Francis had us stop and ask God, "what do you want me to do this week/in 2008?"  i got nothing specific like "go hold babies in africa" (sadly...thats what i'd love to hear, honestly).  i got "love more.  serve more.  give more."  the concept of "more" has been very prevalent in my life lately. pray more, seek more, do more.  and while that is exciting...

i don't want to.  right now, i'm loving at a level that is very uncomfortable.  most of my relationships make me want to run at the moment because they are very difficult.  i feel exhausted from the amount i'm giving out, whether its through my job or just generally. and i'm like, "God, you want MORE?  i feel like i'm dying already!"  and maybe i feel exhausted b/c i'm loving out of my own strength.  i don't know, honestly.  i don't feel encouraged.  i feel like i'm just giving, giving, giving.  maybe thats why the lord chose to encourage me last week, because he knew i'd be met with the opposite the very next day.

i feel like there's so much i could say, except it would be complaining and not uplifting.  i am just really wrestling with what to do at this point with certain situations in my life.  i don't know where to go, who to place myself around, what my role is in terms of community, what my job should be. 

i think i'm too stressed.  maybe i should pray instead of writing a blog.  ok bye.

so encouraged.

god knows me so well. he knows exactly what i need, and when i needed. this week has been the most encouraging week that i have had in a long time.
i feel like i have this renewed fire in me. the passion that i have sought is there. i have chosen to take my eyes off my self, and focus on Christ. and it has made such a difference. last week, praying for the Lord to search me and know me was something i only did half-heartedly. this morning when i prayed that, i wanted that. i truly, truly wanted the Lord to search me, know me, and point out any offensive way in me. and as i asked that, i kind of got a little teary, not because i was sad, but i was full of joy!
the lord's pursuit of me is so sweet! only he would bring me to joyful tears because he is making me more like him. when i stop trying to die to myself, and come to the realization that the power to crucify the flesh COMES from Him, it happens! its such a beautiful thing.
i love submitting to the Lord. i really do. when i really FIX my eyes on Him, on things that are eternal, why wouldn't i submit to Him?
mmmmm.
the end.

As I pray and wait upon the Lord
I know Your grace and love I am restored
As I think of all You've done for me
The mystery of Your love


Who walked upon the sea
Who lived to die for me
You Lord, You Lord
You Lord, Lord


As I look upon You I am changed
And though I fail, Your faithful love remains
As I sing and worship You 
I find again no words describe Your love


Who watches over me
Whose love has covered me
You Lord, You Lord
You Lord, Lord


Hallelujah Almighty One
There is none like You

(Hillsong United - "You")

At Work.

1. i made some oatmeal. there was a leaf in it. ??? so i put it to the side. but then...i accidentally ate it.
2. i had 151 spam e-mails in my inbox. they keep coming, and one i just got has the title of "THE BIGGEST BUTT!!" no thank you.
3. Yesterdy at work, Ryan and I went to the other building for lunch, b/c we hear its always a "treat". We discussed topics such as the origin of the donut, and...actually I don't know what else we talked about. But it was a "heated" conversation. In case you were wondering, donuts came from the Dutch (who also gave us delicious pastries. and, as laura pointed out, the dutch oven.) or the southwest.

Man, this place is ridiculous.

1. Sometimes, i eat strawberries without washing them.
B. My current breakfast cereal is described as "applicious" and "outrageously oaty" (no, its not apple jacks...unfortunately)
III. I love Francis Chan. Everyone needs to get his book Crazy Love on May 1st b/c it will blow your mind. Seriously.

Lastly, I love Psalm 139 right now. Actually, I'm loving scripture. I love how God does that...make me love something that is sometimes confusing and often painful and means I have to change.

You know, that was going to be it, but...actually let me just say something else. I have been really down lately. To the point where other people can see it. It cooresponded with a few things, but mostly that I was relying on myself, and not spending time with the Lord. I have been chasing after, as John Piper calls them, "plastic jewels". And then last night, I spent some good time with Him. Asked myself hard questions. Prayed. I prayed on the way to work this morning. And what do you know, my outlook on today is SO different than it was from yesterday. Not that I seek God for my own gain, but when I am in tune with him, life is sweeter. None of my circumstances changed, but when I FIX MY EYES ON HIM, thats all I see.
And He's beautiful. And the only thing worth fixing my gaze upon.

Mmmmmm!! So good.

i got a hair cut.

its pretty short.

its not exactly what i asked for.

apparently, its normal to pay $35 to someone who hasn't cut hair in a while.  and take demands from some lady who tells me "i'm not going to do what you asked for.  i'm going to give you a bob."  oh, ok.

its not a bad haircut. i just look like a housewife.  ew.

also, trader joe's has delicious yellow curry sauce.

the end.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. (john 12:24-25)

Man that is good! In death there is LIFE. The things God is doing in my own heart are very painful; death does not feel good! Ha. But that verse gives me so much hope! He must become greater, and I must become less.

i hate the internet.

its stupid, really.  all i do is waste time.  i have a phone, and i have a face that i can bring to another person and have a real conversation.  realize its useful for somethings, but not really.  if we are real friends, it should be worth the effort to have actual conversation instead of meaningless dribble on the internet. i hate the word dribble.  unless referring to basketball.

why am i writing this on the internet to begin with.

bye.

too serious.

ok, i am too serious. i probably cry so much b/c i think too long and too hard and give myself an ulcer about things that really don't matter. so, i've decided to be very non-serious right now.

except now i don't know what to write.

ok, how about this:
-sometimes, i get the urge to kick people. or pigeons. maybe babies. but i never do.
-i deal cards backwards (counter clockwise).
-my friends live all over the freaking world.
-i actually like feeling sandy at the beach.
-my best friend is amazing.
-my house smells like "vanilla lime", but mostly lime, although i think it smells kind of like a tootsie roll.
-if i had to decide right now where to go in october, i'd go back to asia.
-i feel that strawberries are the world's second most delicious fruit. pineapples are first.
-i really am going to write a book. maybe sooner than later.

so, there you have it. the random thoughts i have during my 5 minute break at work.
welp, see ya later.

ouch.

it is hard for me to accept that god might be taking me through something hard for someone else's benefit.  i really don't want that.  if its hard on me, i want to be refined.  i don't want to have an emotional breakdown so someone else will grow closer to christ.  ouch.  thats a sad statement.  i should be willing to do anything, give anything, for someone else to experience sweet intimacy with jesus.  instead, i yell at him when my situation doesn't change, when nothing will make my heart feel better, when i lay my burdens down only to receive more.  

yet, who do i live for?  myself?  no, i live for christ.  i have to wrap my brain around the fact that if because i'm hurting, the gospel goes forth, then so be it.

1 Keep me safe, O God,
       for in you I take refuge.

 2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
       apart from you I have no good thing."

 3 As for the saints who are in the land,
       they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. ^[b]

 4 The sorrows of those will increase
       who run after other gods.
       I will not pour out their libations of blood
       or take up their names on my lips.

 5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
       you have made my lot secure.

 6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
       surely I have a delightful inheritance.

 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
       even at night my heart instructs me.

 8 I have set the LORD always before me.
       Because he is at my right hand,
       I will not be shaken.

 9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
       my body also will rest secure,

 10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, ^[c]
       nor will you let your Holy One ^[d] see decay.

 11 You have made ^[e] known to me the path of life;
       you will fill me with joy in your presence,
       with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

(Psalm 16)

carrying the load.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Galatians 6:1-10)

This verse perplexes me. What does it all mean? I'm struggling right now with what it means to "carry each other's burdens." I feel very weighed down right now. Naturally, I love to listen to others. I love to point them towards Truth, to share what God has done in my life and encourage others to pursue Him. The problem is, I also absorb those problems. I carry them on my own shoulders, and often feel like I am carrying that person. I don't know how to release them to the Lord. I think accountability is good; i think we should be sharing with each other and, as it says above, be willing to gently encourage one another back towards living a life in pursuit of Christ. But I also think that sometimes, we can view one another as the Holy Spirit, which is where it gets into trouble. Too often, I rely on the voice of others instead of the One who really knows what I should do. I don't want to listen/give advice to the point that others see me as a replacement for the Holy Spirit...not that they would knowingly/consciously do that, but I think it happens. I've totally done that with others.

Anyway, back to the original question - what does it meant to carry each others burdens but also carry our own load? I feel like lately i've received loads of advice relating to this, and its not biblical. Most people, even Christians, tell me to consider my own feelings and what I can handle. What the heck. That seems really far from scripture.  I mean, we should consider others better than ourselves, looking to Christ Jesus, who humbled Himself to death for our sake (Philippians 2).  So, as a Christian, how can I biblically say that I should consider my own feelings?  Now, there is a difference between following the Spirit and it causes someone to be hurt.  Jesus says our love for our families should look like hate in comparison to our love for Christ.   But there is a difference between the two.  

I don't know what this is even about, or if it even has a point.  i'm not sure why i choose to process on the internet.  Ha.

Goodnight. 

strive to enter through the narrow door.

Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God's own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He!
And He must win the battle.
(Martin Luther)

"What makes the demands of Jesus to strive and to be vigilant seem burdensome is the assumption that we are left to ourselves...We are not left to ourselves in our striving. The command to strive is the command to experience the powerful striving of God on our behalf in fulfillment of his new-covenant promise to cause us to walk in his statutes." (John Piper)

o. no.

i lost my bible. i am very sad. i have a pocket bible, but i really, really love my study bible. i also lost my journal. i can't find either. i think i left them at the beach. or at starbucks.
but i don't only miss it b/c its a great study bible. i miss the memories it contains. the dates when i wrote down things i was learning, only to come back a year later and have my heart reminded of those things. like last year when reading philippians, i circled multiple times in philippians 3, "i want to know christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering." my bible became more than the word of God to me...it became a chronicle of my journey. it was especially poigniant since i got it 2 days after i returned from china, so the things written were evidence of the difficult struggles. i don't want a replacement, i want my bible.

also, god is SO amazing. i was telling my best friend that i was struggling with some stuff and she pointed out a couple things.
1. i was saying "I" in every sentance.
2. i need to stop and ask the Spirit what he wants me to do.

then, today, frances is talking about how we need to be led by the spirit (he's still going through galatians. and i LOVE it.) and he said no one runs on the treadmill while eating cheetos. you do one or the other. and when i feel like eating cheetos, i should probably just get on the treadmill. in the same way, if we are walking with the Spirit, we aren't going to be sinning. He then pointed out that its not about us (see point 1.) HA. THEN he started talking about how when we pray "god make me stop sinning" and he doesn't we're like "oh man god's not answering." What we should be praying is "God, what do you want me to do right now?" because if we ask him, he's not going to tell us "Go sin." I mean, that makes so much sense. We just aren't praying to be led by the spirit. And as he said that i was thinking, "I don't want to pray that b/c i'm SCARED of what he will tell me to do or ask me to give up." Then, he said that very same That was crazaaayyyy! It was just amazing that he talked about everything I was struggling with.
So, my resolve is to let this verse be my prayer:
"Since we live by the spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit" (Galatians 5:25).

The end.

in honor of the upcoming holiday:

when no means no.

you know when you want something very badly, and yet everything screams NO? your own heart, your friends, and even the Lord say "NO", and yet your desire remains unchanged?
that frustrates me. i want to accept the loving correction and leading of my Father, who truly knows what is best for me, even if it seems contrary to my desires. He knows that giving me those things would make less room for Him, and He is a jealous God.
And yet here I sit, with these desires that aren't sinful, but ones to which the Lord is saying "No...but look, wait, and watch what I have in store for you." I want to long for the things of God, the things that will fill me up with Him, rather than silly, empty snacks that will leave me feeling totally unsatisfied. I'm tired of seeking my satisfaction in other people and other things; in affirmation, in relationships with others, even in attention. I just want the Lord. But my willpower, my desire to chase after that instead of all the empty things is so low. I don't get it. I know I feel empty, and yet I return to those things time and again. The only answer is found in CHRIST. I have to CLING to Him, for HE ALONE is my HOPE.

the thorn.

i had some realizations today that are just hitting me in the most profound way. so, since i've been out here, my life has been nothing short of amazing, except one thing (which i won't go into). this one thing has constantly forced me on my knees and kept me needing God. without it, i would probably be just as happy as a bird (is that a saying? i don't even like birds). its been something that has been incredibly difficult on me emotionally, and sometimes spiritually. and sometimes my attitude has been anger and bitterness.
but today, i'm thankful. i'm SO thankful that god has kept me needing him.
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
This verse perfectly describes what i'm feeling right now. Christ's power is made perfect in weakness! God, don't make me strong! Make me weak! I want to know CHRIST and the POWER of His resurrection. I don't want to rely on myself, for anything. So I'm thankful that God, in his grace, has allowed me to show Him strong in my weakness.

God is good.

Things I Like Right Now:

"Therefore, we should so fimly establish ourselves in God that we have no need to seek much human ecouragement. Its is when a man of good will is distressed, or tempted, or afflicted with evil thoughts, that he best understands the overwhelming need he has for God, without whom he can do nothing. While enduring these afflictions he takes himself to prayer with sighs and groans; he grows tired of this life and wishes to die so that he could be undone in order to live with Christ. It is in such times of trial that he realizes that perfect security and full peace are not to be found in this world."


"Hold fast to Jesus in both life and in death and commit yourself to his steadfast love, for He alone can help you when all others fail. You Beloved is such that He admits no rival; He wants your heart all to Himself and desires to reign there as a king on his own throne."

"Simplicity looks to God, but purity finds him and enjoys him."


2 Corinthinas 4, Colossians.

the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
(galatians 5:6)

i have read galatians multiple times, and never noticed this verse. man, that's good.

man.

march is going to be a good month.  i'm excited.

The Imitaton of Christ

I've had The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis sitting on my bookshelf for a little over a year.  I pick it up from time to time, but haven't read through it b/c it was written in the 15th century.  Kind of heavy stuff.  I picked it up tonight, and found some of it to be quite profound.  Here are some of the things I'm chewing on right now:

"Faithful soul, prepare your heart for its spouse that He may come and dwell within you.  He says: 'If a man loves Me, he will keep My word...and We will come to him and make Our home with him.' Make room for Christ and deny entrance to everything else.  When you have Christ within you, you are rich and Christ is all you need.  He will prvide for you and faithfully supply you with all your needs, and you will not have to depend on men.  Men are fickle, remember, and change quite quickly, and even more quickly do they disappoint you; but Christ abides forever and stands firmly beside you unto the end."

"Put all your trust in God and let Him be your only love and fear only Him.  He will defend you and do what is best for you.  You have no lasting city here, and wherever you may be you are always a foreigner or a pilgrim and you will not rest until you are intimately united to Christ."

"Let your every thought be on God the Most High, and let your prayers be unceasing and directed to Christ.  If you do not know how to meditate on sublime and heavenly things, then find repose in Christ's passion and gladly dwell in His sacred wounds."

prayer.

i'm learning a lot about this subject.  part of it is explained in my last post...the idea that once i get what i want i don't pray about it,  then wonder why its not happening anymore.  i've been feeling..."distant" from the Lord lately.  i've been reading, thinking about God, but not really praying much.  When i first got to CA, i spent so much sweet time with the Lord, just enjoying Him.  I continually prayed "Lord, make me desperate" and He so kindly answered that.  So I stopped praying that prayer.  And tonight, with so much free time before me, I wonder why my first thought was not "mmmm time with Jesus!"  It was...I want a nap (I'm sick so thats kind of an excuse).  I realized I had not prayed for the Lord to make me desperate for Him in quite some time.  So I did.  Its funny, we have this idea that when we feel "distant" from God we just have to keep plugging away at our routine.  How about praying that we would desire Him more?  We pray for God to make Himself known, but don't pray that He would give us a heart that yearns for Him.  I think because that seems like something we do that we don't pray, b/c it seems only logical that we should muster that up ourselves.  Hmm.  This will probably go further I just can't think past this point right now.

Interestingly enough, March is a month of prayer at Cornerstone.  I'm truly excited about this.  We got a calendar and booklet on prayer Sunday, and I think its going to be a good month.  Francis had us be silent for like 5 minutes on Sunday.  For those of you who know me well, that was torture.  Because even when I'm not talking out loud, my mind is running constantly.  Its funny b/c in my last one-on-one meeting with my boss, she also had me sit in silence for a bit.  I think the Lord is trying to tell me something.

seriously. wow.

 my friend emily calls me.  says that earlier she was eating at a vietnamese restaurant, one that we ate at when i was going to vietnam earlier last year.  she was telling someone about me, that i had planned to go, and they said they didn't know that.  her response was "she'll be there soon."  then she comes home and reads my blog.  !!!  really?  

also, something i realized.  right now i am so enjoying the practice of dicipline.  its so good.  i am working out, waking up early to spend time with the lord, being diligent and faithful with the tasks i have at work.  i often have these times where i just am really..."together".  and i directly attribute it to the fact that i've been praying "god, give me strength to do this things.  help me be diciplined".  but usually what happens is a month from now i'm not doing any of these things.  and i had the realization as i was leaving the gym today that this usually occurs when i stop praying for the lord to help me.  its like i somehow think that i just need a little shove from god and then i'll just do it on my own.  but the fact is, i don't want to do any of these things!  its only by his goodness that he helps me do them, because my desire is to please god by spending time with him and being faithful with what he has given me (my time, my money, my body, ect).  so, my resolve is to not stop praying.  to realize that god is not just some thing that gives me a kick-start so i can be diciplined.  this is going somewhere i just don't want to process anymore.  on the internet.

also, i love this song right now.  "everything" by tim hughs.  get it.

God in my living  

There in my breathing 

God in my waking 

God in my sleeping  

God in my resting

 There in my working

 God in my thinking 

God in my speaking  

Be my everything 

Be my everything 

Be my everything 

Be my everything  

God in my hoping 

There in my dreaming 

God in my watching

 God in my waiting  

God in my laughing 

There in my weeping

 God in my hurting 

God in my healing  

Christ in me 

Christ in me 

Christ in me the hope of glory 

You are everything  

Christ in me 

Christ in me 

Christ in me the hope of glory

 Be my everything

oh my gahhh

i need to go to vietnam. immediately.

this morning, i walked in and had a postcard from my dear friend, valerie dolby, who is still in China. she wrote some stuff and then told me she had a vision of me serving in vietnam. i promptly started crying. then we watched a dvd this year's vietnam team made for potential applicants, and i almost started crying again.

this is so hard. being here is bittersweet. i know its where i'm supposed to be right now. completely. at the same time, i long to be there. the only way i can explain a love for a place that i've never been in the lord.

so, in all seriousness, i really want to make a trip there. i don't know how b/c i'm so poor but i want to go just for a week or something. i know i want to serve there long term, but i want to go just to see it.

ahhhhhhhhh.

oh.

so, i just got back from virginia.  every time i go out of town for work, its...an interesting experience. it becomes less discouraging each time i go, but nontheless, still discouraging.  anyway, i realized after this trip that i REALLY thrive off routine.  when i have steps to follow, when i know my hours are 8-5.  i am flexible in some ways, but...really i'm not.  i think it comes down to my desire to be in control.  if i know what/when/where/how/why, then i'm good to go.  but when  i don't know all those things, i freak out and fall apart (ok i'm being kind of dramatic.  shocking, i know.)  But I just don't feel happy, normal, or myself.  I feel super tired...all week I was drained and then didn't sleep well.  jet lag I guess.

This concerns me.  I don't want to be in control of my life.  The minute I think I've let go I realize the extent of the grip I have on my life.  Its really tight.  I like to say that my grip has loosened, and maybe it has...but i still have so many areas, even day to day small things, that i have yet to surrender to the Lord, even realize need to be surrendered.  

On a totally different note, today is the day I've been looking forward to since December 2nd of last year...the presidents day party.  oh MAN.  this is going to be hilarious.  Here's my inspiration:

hahah.  wow.  i can't even handle how awesome this will be.

goodbye.

i miss china?

today, i had the chance to hear brother yun, aka "the heavenly man" speak at ihop (not the restaurant, the international house of prayer in kansas city). i read his book last year and it was incredible. his story reads like modern-day acts. absolutely amazing.

anyway, they brought this old man up from the church who has been a part of ihop for 22 years, and was also imprisioned during the cultural revolution for refusing to deny jesus. he prayed for brother yun (in chinese) and you could hear the emotion in his voice. it nearly brought me to tears. there is so much happening in china. sometimes, i really want to be back, and yet...i know i'm not called back there (for now).

one thing he said really stood out to me. he said "jesus did not say 'i'm departing, so i'm going to throw down this bible from heaven.' he said 'i'm going to give you my holy spirit'". that really made me think. please, do not misunderstand me. i believe that the bible is so important, and is a divine book that God in His goodness has provided for us. Its how we know the character of Christ. But...God operates outside of that. When the Cultural Revolution hit China, all the bibles were burned, the missionaries and pastors were expelled, and churches were forced to shut their doors. And you know what happened? The church EXPLODED. Brother Yun was a product of that. I've never seen a person more dedicated to sharing the gospel, of seeing God's truth go forth.

i dunno. lately i've noticed that i spend so much time talking about how wrong the church is, but where does that leave me?  pretty much bitter and prideful. thats not a biblical attitude.  i want to spend more loving and less time looking for problems.  

mmmmm.

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
9 They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10 They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.
11 But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God's name will praise him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.



Romans 5:1-5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.



2 Corinthians 1:8-9

8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.



Psalm 3:3

But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.



"God is more interested in the character of His people than in quick or easy victories" - Rob Devens



Just this morning, this is what has flooded my mind. God is so faithful. And so good. I'm just in awe and more in love with each day. I just feel like I could explode with all the things I have in me right now. I just want to tell everyone around me. I feel like every Monday I'm like "Oh man yesterday's sermon was so good!" but its true! Yesterday, Todd (not my best friend b/c his voice is creepy sometimes but thats ok) spoke about the necessity of pain in regards to spiritual maturity, and he kept saying over and over that anything that happens is for God's glory and our good. Its so true. And I'm so encouraged by that. God holds every single second of my life in His hands. He truly will work everything for the good of those who love him and are called according to HIS purpose (Romans 8). Man, God is GOOD.

what a TREAT!

Wow.  I had no idea how awesome it can be to work from home.  No heels, no skirts, no smelly air conditioner (seriously, the air conditioner at work smells like FEET! Ew.)  And I'm listening to crazzaayyy music.  And i'm sitting on my bed.  So awesome.

Not awesome: the reason i'm working from home.  I'm plagued with various ailments these days.  I'm going to the dr. tomorrow, because having to leave work early or take a sick day is NOT ok, especially because there is pressure to get things done (and rightly so).  luckily, because i am a mobilizer, and therefore my job requires mobility, i am able to work at home.  So, while its not ideal (to someone...definently ideal to me ha), it is better than not being able to do work at all.

Also, as I write this most of the people that read this are watching Lost b/c its 8 PM.  Dang, am I jealous.

Finally, this week has been amazing.  God is good.  I got a raise, and therefore was able to join a gym.  I've wanted to join one since I got here, and He provided me with the means to do so.  My prayer has been to be faithful with the little things.  And  slowly my heart is changing.  I love when my desires become more like God's.  I don't feel like I've wasted my time like normal.  I've actually spent time reading, praying, working out....its been so good.

also, i love you all.

goodbye.

riddle me this, batman

why are cupcakes so delicious, yet so difficult to eat?

mystery, motivation, and self-dicipline.

so, i really like lists.  at work, i usually make a list every morning before i start my day.  if i don't, i generally feel overwhelmed by my workload and then start way to many projects with no time to finish any of them.  so tonight i made a list of things i need to do. it is as follows:

-clean room

-work out

-practice guitar

-read

so, i started on task one.  my motivation was moderately high.  then i blew a fuse.  then i realized the fuse box was locked and i had no key.  this gave me an opportunity to talk to my neighbor who i've been wanting to reach out to for a while, and gave me a chance to make plans for coffee with her.  i think it was the Lord that blew the fuse.  i had called her earlier, left a message, but wasn't going to walk accross the hall to see if she got it.  but the fuse situation forced me to. so now we are having coffee.  and thats good.

but what about my plans?  those were all good things!  granted, its only 6:30, ample time for me to accomplish those things.  but now i've lost my motivation.

i'm not one of those people that is self-motivated.  its kind of frustrating.  like, i'll work out if i'm going with someone.  its like my biggest grievance against myself, that i seem to lack  self-dicipline in certain areas.  its a big deal to me that i've managed to floss my teeth and wash my face almost every night for the past month.  thats something we SHOULD do (some of you are like so grossed out b/c i didn't already do that. haha).  i just wish i was motivated to work out, or eat healthy, or...keep my room clean, or...whatever.

 i guess the resolution is  i just need to stop typing and go do what i need to do.

its time.

its time to sing a song with eyes fixed on our King

its time to overcome the lies and beat the enemy

its time to raise a voice and live the love of Jesus.

its time to be so bright in this world.

my friend Gil from Charlotte wrote this song.  and the bridge is particulary moving to me.  the song was put on a CD that came out over a year ago, and for the most part I forgot about it.  and then it came on my iPod this morning.  

thats my prayer.  i want to sing with my eyes fixed on jesus.  i want to beat down the enemy and live in freedom.  i want to LIVE THE LOVE OF JESUS (wow).  i want to be a bright light in the darkness.

Maddening.

OK, so, let me first state for the record that I hate arguments. I don't think on my feet, and it takes me a while to make a point that is well thought-out/argued. I don't like to debate, even if it's "friendly".

Last night, some friends and I went to a little cafe after class. Sometimes we have kind of intense discussions, and last night was the case. I wish I could say that I left that conversation encouraged to pursue God more, that I was able to glimpse a new part of His character, that I came to a greater revelation of God's love for me, that I felt convicted and/or encouraged. But that was not the case.

Here's the problem. We are a bunch of people. With ideas. Normal. But the problem is that we think our ideas are "right", or that the ideas of others are "right". I grew tired quickly of talking about things that should be backed up with scripture but mostly were backed up with our thoughts or someone elses. We were talking about things, which is fine, but there were so many points that were just based on someone else's "feelings" or thoughts about a certain issue. Thats why I hate arguements. Because I don't feel I know God's word well enough to argue something into the ground. And so I don't...b/c I don't want to mislead anyone with my own ideas and thoughts about someone so Holy, Sovreign, Other-Than as God.
But here's what I walked away with. And these are my thoughts. I don't have scripture for this. If someone has scripture to change this point of view, please let me know:
-My relationship with God is not about sinning or not sinning. Its about LOVE. His love for me and my love for Him. Anything I do or don't do is based on His love for me, not a list of do's and don'ts. I don't believe that I will ever be sinless, not even for one day, until I meet Him in heaven. I have thoughts that are not about God...I get a fleeting moment of jealousy. That's sin. So, I press in to God, every day giving my heart, letting His love and the Holy Spirit carry me. For so long I've beat myself up for what I do/don't do, but its not about that for me anymore.
-This came out of a conversation about the fact that the organization I work for has an ad in revelant magazine. And it was said "The end's don't justify the means". How is that biblical? Where does it say that? What I find Paul saying is this:

19Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. (1 Corinthians 3:19-23)

So you know what? I am ok with an ad being in Relevant magazine. I may not agree with it, but no where in scripture does it say "The end's don't justify the means." Paul got down on the level of the people he was trying to minister to. He was not Jewish by religion. Yet he ministered to them where they were. He was not weak, yet he became weak. There are growing levels of Christian maturity. I read relevant magazine at one point, and it did help me grow in my faith. I'm tired of arguing about this point...I ran it into the ground in Charlotte. I'm tired of sitting around judging other Christians.

Go love someone.

i saw a rainbow this moring.

i was driving home from simi this morning, and saw this little piece of a rainbow.  it was almost like a circle rainbow. i couldn't see a whole lot...just this little part.  

it made me smile and I began to think of the Lord's convenants and promises.  How sweet they are!  Yesterday, through some various circumstances, some insecurities were brought up that I know I have but don't often think about, until they come into full view.  And when i saw that rainbow this morning, I was reminded of what a beautiful God, what a sweet Father, what an intimate friend I have, all because He loves me.  So good!  My prayer is that I would know the love of God in a deeper way every morning that I wake up.  Its so much greater than I can comprehend; and its just not a characteristic of God, its who He is.  There's gotta be so much I don't, and probably won't ever, understand about His love for me, but I don't want to waste my days believing false things about myself and my God.

mmmmmm :)

i'm ready.

tonight was incredible.  i haven't had this reaction to a message in a long time.  basically, pastor francis (as i affectionately call him. haha) was talking about how the grace of god should lead us to good works.  got it.  and i was sitting there thinking...and i just had a sudden realization of how comfortable i've become.  my year in charlott was SO uncomfortable...oh my GOSH. it was the hardest year of my life.  harder than china.  so i come here, and life is amazing.  amazing church, amazing friend, amazing job, going deeper with the lord.  so good!  

and yet...what am i doing here?  i KNOW i'm not meant to stay here (meaning here as in america).  and after showing a video of this girl who went to afghanistan and was arrested, i was just like...god i don't want to be here!  its so good, yet...my heart yearns to make His name famous in the nations.  i've been trying to convince myself that america is my mission field (and believe me people here need jesus. BOY.), but deep in my heart i know that i'm called to go.  and i think just realizing that right now i would be making last minute preparations to got to vietnam for a LONG time...it just broke my heart.

and i cried.  because i want to be overseas.  b/c i was repenting of being content with my comfortable life.  its like...my heart longs to be sharing the gospel, hope, with people in Asia, and yet part of me is so happy to buy dishes and all this...STUFF.  and then i think about the vision i had last easter, of all these asians bowing down in worship to the god of the UNIVERSE!  thats what i want to be a part of, not what the color scheme of my room is.

yet, He is still the god of my PRESENT.  and i am here, for now.  and he has something in store.  please don't misunderstand what i'm saying.  i'm so blessed, god is SO good, and i am SO thankful to be here, and just feel showered with His blessings.  but he is stirring something up in my heart.  i can't keep supressing this desire i have to GO.

god, make me uncomfortable.  i'm ready. here i am.  send me.  

lip service. and a bandaid.

for the past week, there has been this old band-aid sitting in the hallway of my apartment building. its so gross. and i get grossed out everytime i look at it. but its not mine, so i don't want to pick it up. so it sits there. what does this say about me? ha.

on a more serious note, i realized this morning that i often give god lip service. on facebook (where real life happens), my religious views say "love like jesus loves". i fully stand behind that statement. thats what i find in scripture - love god, love others. but in reality, i love the way i want to. my love for others is so conditional (and i guess it always will be). but i'm tired of saying things and then being content with other people doing them. this is something i've observed in myself for a long time...and still never did anything about it. i was reading some of the core writings of an organization called INNERchange, and I found myself agreeing with statements yet unwilling to make changes. booo.
i also realized that when someone asks me to pray for them, if i feel like its their own fault i don't want to, and...usually don't.
hows that for transparency? ha.
but you know, these are all good things to realize. i don't want to waste my life and my time loving people that make me feel better, or only praying for others when i feel like they deserve prayer. how prideful! i am NOT god. shocking, i know. while seeing sin is at first maddening, i love when God shows me how much I need Him. I am a mess. it goes back to what my good buddy Francis was talking about on Sunday. I cannot make myself righteous. Thats God's job.

Welp, see ya later.

fix your eyes.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

this is my prayer. it has been, but it still is. i was reminded of how powerful this verse is. i mean, granted, all scripture has power b/c its all God-breathed. but when i have truly tried to even grasp fixing my eyes on Jesus, the world looked different. its funny, there was a time not too long ago where I wanted to want Christ. But now...I truly want Him. I want Jesus.

And then life gets in the way. People, circumstances...they distract me. Those things are not sinful. People are a blessing; things that happen in life can be a blessing. Its what I DO with them that becomes sin. When I choose those things over spending time with my Creator, when I focus on my circumstances instead of His character...therein lies the problem. The solution?

Fixing my gaze upon my savior.

Mmmm. Thats so good. I just love how God is so faithful, how He speaks so clearly in His word. I am blessed, despite whatever is going on in my life, because God is His infinte mercy has so graciously bestowed His love, and rescued me from despair, darkness, and life w/o Him. And not only me, but all His children. Simply amazing.

Also, and please hold me to this, I don't want to use the word awesome or amazing anymore unless I'm talking about God. Words have lost their meaning. Awesome suggests something that inspires awe in me. I only want God to inspire true awe in me. I can have a deep appreciation for other things, but...awe? Just something that blows my mind? That should only be reserved for God.

happy 2008.

this is going to be a good year.

i can feel it.